Phantoms

Disastrous and wounding;
there are layers of toxicity
confounding all the potential hope between us.
How can I possibly fix things
if you won’t even let me talk?
Put away your gun words,
your knife words,
your fist words, even
and don’t let a tongue lashing
come between us.

I hide in ways
you’ll never seek to find me;
the ocean
of all my thought-things
is more real than you prefer to believe.

I’m frightened of you
and your fists.
I’m frightened of you
and your fury.

I’m frightened of you.

Go and tell my brothers again
how you will be
the man to tame me,
go and tell them.
Stand at their graves
and promise the strength we both know fails us
and leaves us damaged.

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DeathWatch No. 127 – Have You Seen Me Die?

This is Issue #127 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

It had been days. They had not come up for air. Platters of food sat mostly untouched, while water, wine, and aetheris had been consumed in vast quantities. Jet and Immanis had each spent themselves many times in their exertions, only drinking when their lips were too dry for kissing, refusing to pause in their coupling, even for a moment, as though they could not bear the thought of being still, or letting go, but instead had to not only touch, but actively touch and praise one another.

The wedding party, the feasting, the revelry — it continued without any of the guests of honor, and no one was the worse off for it. Instead, the people of Ilona celebrated like they never had before, congratulating themselves on binding a god-like protector to their city.

“Surely,” citizens cried, “if the Guardian is wed to our Princess, she will bear him a child, and that child will be our salvation!”

Men and women all over the country speculated on how quickly the Princess might grow fat with the Guardian’s heirs, all the while with no idea their Princess lay tangled with her handmaiden, lovers for years, with no intention whatsoever of laying with the Guardian — and even against Gemma’s advice, had no intention of conceiving a child with him.

* * *

“The floor,” Immanis said, “is not half as comfortable as my bed.” He stretched and began to detangle from the warm, pliant body that had wrapped around him. He ached, groaning as he shifted, twisting to free himself, rolling over beneath his lover.

“You’re twice as comfortable than your bed,” Jet retorted sleepily, shifting to pin Immanis down, leaning to kiss him soundly. “Good morning, your majesty,” he whispered.

The kiss itself was slow and sweet, lasting until Immanis bit Jet’s lip, chuckling lowly. “Good morning, my Guardian,” he purred. He smiled as he moved to get out of the way, but then his eyes widened, and he flinched, sucking in a breath through his teeth, rolling over as he felt cool morning air touch him in places that hadn’t been exposed while they lay curled together.

“Are you — are you hurt?” Jet wondered, his brows lifting, concern painting his face with tension. “Did I–”

“Hush,” Immanis whispered, admonishing Jet. “I’m not hurt. Merely sore. Not used to such exertions,” he said quietly. “We’ve been at this for days, and I am still certain there are ways I have yet to kiss you and watch your toes curl. But first let me up; I’ve to use the toilet — you’re laying on me funny.”

Jet blushed, pulling back, and watched Immanis walk away, naked, lit in deep coppers by the burning braziers, and in pale gold by the sun pouring in the windows. He got up and moved to crawl into the as-yet unused bed, intending to be awake and pleased for when Immanis returned — but he fell asleep nearly instantly, tangled in the perfect, clean sheets.

When Immanis returned, he paused at the bedside and grinned amusedly. “My love,” he said quietly, and lifted the sheets to lay them more carefully around Jet. “Rest well,” he whispered, and lingered for a time to watch the sleeping man, until he finally made preparations to leave the chambers. He dressed himself carefully, watching Jet, and laid the gentlest of kisses on his lips, before he left.

When he opened the door to his chambers, he saw Secta there, exhausted and pleased, all at once.

Secta turned, smiling faintly, and said, “Your Majesty. Your seer was delivered to its private chambers, if you wish to visit it. It has been given food and water, but does not appear to have attempted to rest or relieve itself.”

“I believe I will,” Immanis said, reaching to lay a hand on Secta’s shoulder. “Don’t think I don’t know how instrumental you have been in making certain the wedding plans worked well,” he said. “You have been everything your family promised, and more.”

Secta’s cheeks darkened with a flush of pride and embarassment. He cleared his throat, glancing away, and said, “You honor me with your words, Majesty. I thank you for your attention; I hope to serve you and my master long and well.”

“I imagine you shall, Secta,” Immanis said, nodding. “Remain here. I think, after these last few days, our Guardian shall sleep for some time, but if he wakes before I return, I would prefer he remained here. Have him entertained in any fashion that seems appropriate, but I command that you not let him leave.”

“Yes, your Majesty,” Secta promised, bowing low, flushed with pride, a renewed sense of purpose and energy suffusing him.

* * *

Kieron knelt on the floor of the beautiful room, still wearing shackles, still bloodied. When the door opened, he curled up tighter, lifting his head to look toward who might be coming in. So far, it had been servants with food and water, accompanied by guards — they stayed away from him, let him be, but this time, when the door opened, the person entering seemed to have no intention of leaving him be. Kieron looked up, staring at the man he knew to be the Prince of Ilona, and as the man came closer and closer, he skittered back, panicked, lifting a hand in defense, shying away from contact, bleating, “I don’t know anything!”

“Oh, but my little pet, you certainly do,” Immanis laughed. He smiled down at Kieron, and crouched, reaching out to touch his shoulder gently. “Relax, boy,” he murmured. “Please me, and all will be well.”

Kieron, who only moments before had felt a panic surging up within him, felt the warmth of the Prince’s touch, and immediately began to calm, breathing slowly and deeply. “Yes… yes, Majesty,” he promised. He couldn’t help but stare at the Prince; he’d never seen a more beautiful man, never wanted so completely to do anything for him, obey any order, to please him entirely. He knelt before the Prince, his hands on his knees.

“You were wounded,” Immanis says, looking at Kieron’s face, fingers reaching to touch the black threads. “You have pulled the stitches,” he murmurs. “This will result in a scar.”

“My Quartermaster struck me,” Kieron said, feeling helpless.

“It brings you character,” Immanis answered. “Your face was boyish. Too soft.”

“Is it better, now?” Kieron said, hearing less-than-satisfaction in Immanis’s words. His heart was in his throat as he asked, “Shall I scar it again, your Majesty? How shall I change my skin to please you?”

“Nevermind that. The scar will do. You have visions,” Immanis said quietly, changing the subject abruptly. “I want you to tell me of them. I want to know if your sight affects you the way it affects my sister’s handmaiden.”

“I… I don’t know if they affect me as they affect your sister’s handmaiden. It’s only recently I had any idea anyone but me has had this kind of sight. I’ve had them as long as I can remember,” Kieron said, the words tumbling out in a rush. “I’ve been able to see the deaths of others. I live it. I go through the last moments of their life before they are killed or die in some fashion. It is not under my control, your majesty — the visions come without me bidding, and will not come, otherwise, or go away, when I will it,” he explains, wringing his hands. “It’s how I ended up here. I ran away from home to–”

“Enough,” Immanis said, flicking his hand impatiently.

Kieron closed his mouth so quickly, his teeth clacked together; he nearly bit his own tongue. He watched Immanis with hungry eyes, desperate to prove himself. Needing so badly to make certain he could please the man in front of him.

“Have you seen me die?” Immanis wondered cautiously of Kieron.

“No,” Kieron breathed, his eyes widening in fear. “Not that I know of; no, never.”

“Will you serve me, little pet?” Immanis whispered.

“Yes, your Majesty,” Kieron promised immediately.

“Good,” Immanis chuckled. “Go wash yourself. You will find clothing in this room. Eat and rest — dress appropriately. Entertain yourself during your waking hours. You will not leave these rooms. If you have a vision, you are to call for a Guard to notify me, and then report it to me, and only me, immediately. Do you understand?”

“Yes, your Majesty,” Kieron promised, breathless.

“You are mine now,” Immanis said, reaching out to touch Kieron’s face.

Something in his heart rebelled against the idea, but against the Prince’s blood, it could not form any real defiance. He shuddered, nodding, and began to wring his hands, watching Immanis get up and leave. “Yours,” Kieron said, though tears welled up. Well down within him, something screamed, rattled its cage and refused, but could not crawl up to the light behind Kieron’s eyes, could not stop the lips and tongue from making the promise: “I am yours, now.”

* * *

NEXT

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Circular Reference

Every fall down,
every crash,
she is there with strong hands
and impatient heart;
even if those hands are barbed
and the heart is filthy,
the frame is sturdy,
and it will hold up —
it holds up even the metro,
even the black bough.
It holds up even the spangled funereal dress,
and the ocean floor
full of yellow pincer-crabs.

God but it even holds up an unaware thief’s infant shoes,
and anise-flavored drinks
against long white dunes.

It holds up even the warm dry hole under the hill,
and it holds up the storm drain
with the paper boats and the red balloons.

It holds up everything
and props itself up against
the sign for Mercy Street,
and when the familiar strains can be heard,
she closes her eyes
and tips her head back
and lets the rain come.

She will never be washed clean or new;
she will never know an undoing that sets her free —
but she will take hold of the rags
of all the wheels within wheels,
the worlds within worlds,
and she will lash together
a dread machine made of blood and ink,
of pixel and steam,
of shadow and flesh,
and it will take its first breath,
birthed of her unholy heart,
and it will keen
for all it has never known, but loves
with the full-heart history
of a living thing
created of made-real dreamstuff
and dying breaths.

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Wait

She woke to the feeling
of cool fall air on her skin,
and the whisper of leaves fluttering near,
like an aspen or cottonwood’s rattle,
and her eyes strained to see,
and because so much had been
in her minds’ eye,
it took her quite some time to realize
her eyes didn’t work,
and she couldn’t see at all.
She couldn’t hear.
She could feel the wind, though.
She could feel the whisper of the leaves.
She could feel the damp coming,
the rain coming,
the tears coming.
She could feel with her toes
that weren’t toes
and her outstretched arms
that weren’t outstretched arms
that it was much, much too long
since the last time she had awakened.
Leaves had fallen ten times or more.
Delicate flowers
were overgrown with wild vines,
and mosses had become
thick blankets,
inviting,
but promising the fairies of old
would come to claim you,
make you forget.
She ached to stretch her limbs,
to tip her head back and laugh,
to look down at who might be laid at her feet,
but all she could do
was wait,
and wait,
and feel.

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DeathWatch No. 126 – I Had A Bad Dream

This is Issue #126 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

Kieron woke with a start, and the chains binding him were heavy enough to make him groan as he shifted, struggling to sit up, gasping, clapping his hands over his mouth to stop from crying out. He looked around the dark room to see the wide eyes of his crewmates looking back at him. They were all chained, many of them awake, waiting.

Nearby, Djara sat dully, staring off into the middle distance, while Sha fussed with a button the cuff of her coat. Nate twisted his wedding ring and looked grim, but glanced to Kieron when the young man came awake. “All right, Brody?” he said quietly.

“Yeah,” Kieron began shakily. “I–” He blushed, hotly, shaking his head. “I had a bad dream.”

“This is all a bad dream,” Sha said darkly, and then reached over chains clanking, to squeeze Kieron’s hand. “Just a dream?” she wondered, cocking her head to the side. “Or did you see–”

“Just a dream,” Kieron said, still trying to calm his frantic heart. It beat in his chest, a desperate caged bird with fragile wings.

Sha nodded, and leaned back against the wall of the massive dungeon in which they were kept. She had just picked the last flake of dried blood from the brass button on the cuff of her coat when the door swung open, and several well-armed Ilonans trooped in. She tensed, ready to fight back.

“Up,” one of them said, gesturing to her. Others went to Nate, and to Kieron.

She stood, shakily, and put her back to the wall, the chains at her wrists and ankles rattling. “Up,” she said, nodding to them, cautious.

“Come now,” he said, reaching for her shoulder, to take her with — when she flinched, the soldier looked exasperated. “You move fast, I don’t touch. You move slow, I carry. Understand?”

Sha nodded, and moved to follow where the soldier indicated. “Where are we going?” Sha wondered, looking back at Nate and Kieron, who were coming with her, and the other guards. The rest of the soldiers in the sprawling dungeon rooms were left in their chains on the floor.

“Rooms. You stay in rooms. Prey needs to be strong, to run well,” the guard said, smirking.

Sha nodded, looking toward Nate, to see if he was being taken to the same place, and was both terrified and comforted to see him hauled along, as well — her stomach dropped through the floor when Kieron was led in a different direction. “Brody?” she said, and she stopped, turning, trying to shoulder her way back to him. “No, wait–”

“Move, Westlander,” the guard growled. “Do not disobey.”

Sha didn’t comply; she heard the sound of Nate shouting, and then Kieron, and felt a strange humming in her teeth. The ground came up to meet her, and she couldn’t help but close her eyes.

* * *

“Stop! STOP! NO!” Kieron was restrained, and the guards paid little attention to him, but he could see how they pressed the taser to the back of Sha’s neck. Kieron watched her legs give; he watched her body tremble, and then drop to the floor. He ran for his fallen captain as Nathan did, but neither of them were allowed to reach her. She was lifted by an Ilonan, who through her over his shoulder like a sack of flour, and muttered irritably, gesturing for the rest of them to hurry on their way.

Nathan struggled, trying to get past, to go back for Kieron, but when the taser was directed at him, he gave up, lifting up his hands, surrendering, resentful. He was pushed, turned, and the last the erstwhile quartermaster of the TS Jacob saw the cadet, Kieron was being led away by his chains.

Kieron turned to look at Nathan, half-panicked, begging. “Nate — Nate?”

Nathan was pushed around the corner, and closed his eyes against the last image of Kieron’s face, still scarred from the punch thrown only days ago, several of the stitches pulled, and the begging look on his face. The Captain was supposed to take care of the ship. It had been his job to take care of the crew. He managed to push away the image of Kieron’s panic, but then all he could see was the floor bloodied by everyone from the Maxima, dead. He pushed that away, but it was replaced with Jules’s expression as she struggled to stop her crewmate from slitting his own throat.

* * *

Sha woken on a bed, in a well-appointed room. Food and water were waiting for her; she ate her fill without reservation — if they wanted her dead, she’d have been dead. The food was there to be eaten, and so she did, and promptly explored her surroundings. She found much the same that Jet did, upon his first imprisonment, and came to the same sort of conclusion. She was held; she was a prisoner, and they did not fear her, or her attempt at escape. “Well,” she said to herself, finishing off the breakfast they’d left her. “Don’t have much time to figure out how to get out of here, I’m guessing.” She put her hand on the knob and tried it — when she found it unlocked, she promptly let herself out, and came face to face with armed guards.

“Back inside Westlander,” one of them said. “You will meet Prince soon enough. Gain strength,” he advised. “Make good sport of it.”

Down the hall, she thought she heard Nate, but when she strained to listen, one of the guards grew more insistent, and began to pull out the taser she imagined had been the thing that gave her the surly headache she currently had. She held her hands up, to display her lack of threat, and went back in her room, sullen and thoughtful.

* * *

“–don’t need to keep me in here! It’s not like I’m gonna fucking run!” Nate shouted, when they shut the door in his face. “Hey! HEY! I don’t even know where I am!” He paced his room, from locked door to barred window, grinding his teeth against the isolation, the imprisonment. When he wasn’t explicitly doing anything else, he twisted the ring on his left hand’s third finger, promising himself quietly, “When we get out of here. When we get out of here, Jules, I’m coming for you. We’re running, and never looking back.” He felt heartsick, looking around the room; the place in which he was kept… was as beautiful as it was foreign — he counted dozens of things he could’ve used as weapons, but it was lovely, all the same, and something about that bothered him. They’d called him prey. He’d heard the bastard Prince say they would be prey. He’d heard enough, in both Ilonan and his own native tongue to know getting out of this place was going to be hard. He also know nearly everyone he’d never known and worked with and grown to love in the last fifteen years was likely to die. He’d seen Jules carried off by an Ilonan before he’d been taken to the dungeon. Sha was in a different room. Kieron was… somewhere else. He couldn’t imagine what had happened to everyone else.

“Well,” he said aloud, listening to his own voice again. “I can imagine it,” he said, sighing. “But I don’t fucking want to.”

* * *

NEXT

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