Penny

Penny likes to be bent over my desk. When I first met her, she was a fearful thing who had no idea how to carry herself, or where she belonged. After six months with me, she walks with her head high, with a bounce in her step and a smile on her face. There’s still something off about her, though.

She wears a wedding band around her finger, but I can tell every time I’m near her that it bites into her like a too-tight rubber band, like a string tied around her finger meant to remind her of some crucial Thing She Must Not Forget, but instead, is making that part of her swell and turn black, like a body that couldn’t breathe, and one day just gave up. I expect her to lose a finger in her sleep, but maybe she takes it off right before she puts on her beauty creams, gives him a kiss on the cheek, and cries herself to sleep.

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Winterweary

Winterweary bones
know nothing but the chill
of another year beginning,
when everyone knows
the last one is still clinging
like last year’s dead blossoms
on the skeleton of a magnolia,
keeping the new blooms
from being able to breathe.

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The Autumn Queen No. 20 – My boy

This is #20 of The Autumn Queen. To start at the beginning, go here.

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Many captains thought it ill luck to provide passage for a woman in flight, as I so obviously was, but the amount of gold I was providing managed to allay many fears, and gain me friends enough to keep me and the wee one safe. The trip was without ruin; the sea was neither stormed nor becalmed. I did not find the heave and toss of the deck made me ill, nor did it affect the little dark-eyed beast at my breast

We did not stay in the port town where we made landfall, but hired carriages and horses, and packed them with empty bags and sent them in three different directions, in case we had been followed across the seas. The fourth carriage I purchased and drove myself, then traded it out for a wagon at the next town, and a shoddier wagon at the next. I made us look poor and without anything save the most wretched of nags, and then I got rid of the nags as well, in the last of it, and made do with walking.

It took weeks to reach a town that looked as though it hadn’t seen news since well before everything had gone to hell, a place where we wouldn’t be questioned. I found a cunning-woman on the edges of the village proper, with a garden in poor repair, and she took me on in an apprenticeship, asking few questions, because she needed the extra hands so badly.

I fully intend to live out my life here, to raise the boy never knowing anyone but me as his mother, and Grey Ness as his grandmother, and if they what give me the child had any sense at all, they’d let it lie that way, and forget all about any plots or plans. Nothing for them here, anymore, anyway.

He’s my boy now.

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NEXT

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Nothing But A Ghost

It was light out, when he put the last little one to bed. It was light out, but Lewis didn’t care; he needed a little time to himself. Sometimes he did that — put them to bed early, so they could rest, and he could recharge.

Three little ones and he was alone — his wife went out one late afternoon, before sunset, to pick up a pizza for their date night. The kids were at his sister’s for the night, and he had cleaned up the house and waited. He had waited, and when an hour had passed, he had called her. It didn’t go straight to voicemail, but she didn’t answer. He was going to check her location on his iPhone, when someone knocked on the door.

“Lewis Bolton?” asked the pretty young woman standing there with a messenger bag.

“Yes?” Lewis was distracted by the worry for his wife, and he absently took the sheaf of papers she handed him, not really hearing her until the third time she repeated herself. “What?”

“I said: you’ve been served.”

That was two years ago.

Abigail wasn’t yet three. Rose was a little over three. And Beatrice was just four.

Three little ones, all in a row. All his. She gave up all custody, and had never come back. He hadn’t seen her on Facebook — she took herself off bank accounts, never logged in to check their email again. She left all her clothing, jewelry, toiletries. She left the cat.

She left him.

Her parents had died years ago, just after she graduated highschool just before she met him. Her friends had actually been ‘their’ friends — they had no idea where she’d gone, either. There had been no one to ask, though he’d tried. He even asked the letter carrier if he’d had any idea his wife was going to disappear.

She was just …gone.

He didn’t know what he’d tell the girls when they grew up; he didn’t know what he’d tell himself, most days.

He imagined it was a little like her dying; unreachable. Simply not there anymore. No good reasons or anyone to plead to. Just nothing.

That night, after he tucked in the littlest, while it was still light out, he lit a fire and sat in front of the hearth, eating the same kind of pizza she should’ve come home with, that day two years ago, twisting the gold band on his left ring finger, wondering what he wondered almost every night for the last two years: what could have driven a loving wife and mother to slip away into the ether, and become nothing but a ghost.

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What Did You Expect?

Meant to tell you
something important
but I
Hiccuped

Zigged

when I should’ve

zagged

I have that song in my head
you know the one
and now I’m more than a little
tegalnd pu

Ohgod I remember thinking

“This is all there will ever be”
and now I have so much more
that sometimes I fumble.
Sometimes I

fumble,

but I am still here
this wretched heart
and I am not worthy of much
excepting for how fucking awesome I am
I just hope you can tell
that I love you
even with a needle
Even if I never matured
past stupid puns
and poor life choices

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