When I Am Kissing Her

What had I been
before I knew you?
Who am I now
when you’re not with me?
You have taken and changed me,
from someone content
to someone restless.
I look out at the tar sands
and I contemplate
going back to my wife,
our children.
I love them,
but I’m different now.
I love her,
but I am no longer hers.

I had to get away from you,
for a time,
but I found I could not stay away
for long.
Your face was in my mind’s eye
after only an hour.
The taste of your name
was on my tongue
almost immediately.
I think of you
when my fingers touch the keys
and I play for the both of us.
I play, and I pretend
you are beside me.

Maybe at some point,
I will taste wine from your lips,
but until such a time comes,
I will simply breathe in
the thought of you,
and close my eyes
when I am kissing her.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Inside Space

Beloved mine,
I have watched stars cross
the evening sky,
laid beneath a hollow moon
and known for what the owls
and night spirits have called.
In the evening’s calm,
in the stillness that descends
after the day-heat-madness,
while the songs of wing and paw
lift up a gentle hymn and chorus,
wherein I find my own center,
a place of quiet love.
If I were able,
I would burrow out
the meat of that place,
and let us devour
all the goodness within,
so that we may make
a chamber of joy,
and therein
reside us both.

Posted in Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

The Autumn Queen No. 26 – Love and Music

This is #26 of The Autumn Queen. To start at the beginning, go here.

PREVIOUS

* * *

Stunned, I sat still on the steed’s back and stared up into the moonlight that my brother had said was full of music. How she sang for him, whispered to him and told him secrets, he’d said to me. That she loved him, and would exist in his blood. I turned to look at my nephew, and could not help but weep to see his beatific face.

“Your father loved your mother,” I said quietly.

“He was a fool to do so,” he answered back plainly. “If she was not the madwoman she is now, she must have at least shown a hint of it,” he said, his voice quiet and without rancor.

“She told him she was the physical incarnation of the moon’s heavenly light,” I said, and it sounded juvenile and small as it came aloud from my lips, and I blushed hot with shame for my poor brother, who had been deceived so easily, because he had wanted to be. His flesh had failed his mind, and then his mind had failed his flesh. “She loved him, in return. She wept when he fell,” I said. “She put to death the archer who killed him,” I told the son of my beloved brother.

“But it was her war that killed him,” he said, still looking up at the moon. “And the true Autumn Queen is full of rage for his loss,” he murmured. “Can’t you hear it?” he wondered, reaching to tap the side of my head. “Can’t you hear her grief?”

“I can’t hear her at all,” I said sadly. “She’s never sung for me. What does she sound like?” I asked him, caught up in his tales of madness.

He wrapped his arms around me, then and kept his cheek pressed to mine. He began to sway atop the steed, as though moving in time to the music only he could hear. “Listen,” he whispered. “Listen to her.”

I struggled to find the music, opened myself to the thought of it, begged in my heart for it to fill me…

…but nothing happened.

My brother’s son, as though sensing my failure, rubbed my back and said, “Don’t worry, Elodie. She comes to us all, eventually. Here. Let me guide the horse. You hold to me and rest. I’ll take us where we need to go.”

I thought briefly to ask him where that was, and then decided that so long as the place held a rudimentary bed and had a bit of food, I didn’t care.

* * *

NEXT

Posted in Fiction, Serial, The Autumn Queen | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DeathWatch No. 66 – You Look Upset

This is Issue #66 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

The delight in Lucida’s eyes was bright; she wrapped her arms around Jet and covered his face in kisses. “You are brilliant, caro,” she purred. “I have heard tales of the demon of inner fire, the sword of shadowglass, the ghostly princeguard who cannot be killed — you’re being called the guardian spirit of Ilona!” she cried, obviously thrilled.

Bone-weary, Jet smiled as he disengaged her from clinging to him, and moved to peel out of his overclothes, shifting and stretching, working out the knots in his muscles.

As always, Lucida attempted to help Jet out of his clothes, and as always, he slapped at her hands gently until she stopped. “I’ve run you a bath,” Lucida offered, and before Jet could object, she said, “And this time I won’t try to join you in it.”

Jet blushed, sighing, and ushered Lucida out the door, saying, “Thank you. Now kindly leave me be. Brother mentioned important news to tell us at dinner, and I would like to be refreshed.”

“I’ll bet you would,” Lucy smirked, and sauntered off down the hall, leaving Jet standing in the middle of his room, somewhat perplexed. She didn’t usually leave so easily.

He turned and strode into his private baths, shaking his head, shedding his garments as he went. He slipped into the steaming water, groaning, and laid his head back against a pillowing towel, sighing as the perfumed heat sank into his muscles.

He didn’t know he had dozed off until he felt a gentle hand at his jaw. His eyes opened, and when they spied a young man bringing a razor to his neck, they widened further, and he bared his teeth as he reached for the man’s throat, and began to crush it, pulling him into and under the water. The razor was lost in a moment, and the would-be assassin thrashed, kicking feebly, his face turning red beneath the hot water.

The noise brought back Lucida, who flew into motion as she saw the trouble. “Caro!” Her voice felt far away. “Idiot!” She slapped him, shoved him to the side.

Jet released his prisoner, lifting his hands to fend off Lucida, shouting, “What? WHAT? Stop hitting me; he brought a blade to my throat!”

“He is your famulo — your cubicularius? He is your servant. Your manservant. His name is Secta. Your groom!” Lucida said, running through the words in an effort to make Jet understand. “Your face was in need of a shave!” she exclaimed, reaching in and pulling the barely-conscious young man from the water.

Jet helped him up, looking embarrassed and angry all at once. “I can shave my own face!” he sputtered.

“I’m sorry — I’m so very sorry,” Secta said, coughing and trying to get water out of his eyes, dripping and uncomfortable. “I had thought you would prefer to relax while I took care of it.”

“Whoever would’ve given you that idea?” Jet said, turning an irritated gaze on Lucida, moving to get out of the water. “Please, please get out.”

“–Yes, yes, of course–” Secta said, clambering out of the bathwater entirely, fussing about as he looked for the razor. He picked it up from the bathwater in nimble hands, and carefully wiped it dry, shying away from both Lucida and Jet.

“Not you,” Jet said, sighing, reaching to catch the man’s wrist. “I do need a shave.” He looked over at Lucy once more, saying, “Go on. Go see Gemma.”

Lucy’s eyebrows raised, but then she shrugged, and slipped away. “As you say, Guardian Spirit,” she teased.

Jet rolled his eyes and waited for her to go.

Secta stood near, looking at Jet curiously, still holding the razor, still wet, still trembling.

Sighing, Jet released his wrist and said, “Hand me that razor.”

“Pardon?” Secta said, looking almost frightened. He clutched the razor more tightly in his fist and drew back.

“You don’t follow orders well enough to be a trained servant. Where did Lucy find you?” Jet wondered mildly, his hand still outstretched.

“I-I-I–”

“Come off it,” Jet hissed. “You’re paler than I am, and you look like you might vomit into my tub–which, by the way, I advise you not to do; I have not yet rested enough to consider myself forgiving of such an act. Now hand me that razor.”

Secta offered it out, and when Jet accepted it from him, he snatched his hand back, as though the other man were going to bite him.

“Why are you behaving so strangely?” Jet wondered, pursing his lips, his eyes narrowing as they traveled over Secta’s thin frame.

“Strangely?”

“As though I would hurt you soon as look at you,” he elaborated.

“The princess — she named you Guardian of Ilona. I have heard that you were created to purge Ilona of its darkness. That you burn from the inside out. That you can cleave men in two with a blade of glass. That you cannot die,” Secta murmured.

“Not all of those things are true,” Jet said.

“But some of them are?” Secta wondered, his brows lifting.

“Some of them,” Jet said, nodding slowly. “But even if they were, why should you be frightened?”

“What if you thought I was a part of the darkess that infested Ilona?” Secta wondered, looking at his hands, frowning. “How do you know who is bad for the city?”

“Those who want my brother dead are bad for the city. Those who murder its citizens and steal their money, those who break its laws again and again, or seek to undermine Immanis’s rule. And I do not kill them outright–” Jet murmurs.

Secta’s interruption was sudden, and to the point, “But you do kill them.”

“Yes, if I must,” Jet said. “I do.”

That is why I am afraid of you,” Secta said.

“Simply because I have killed?” Jet wondered, looking near-pleased at Secta’s fear, at his trembling. His expression was almost one of amused disbelief, but it faded, suddenly, when Secta spoke again.

The groom’s expression was grave, pained even, when he lifted his eyes to meet those of the man who had grown to be thought of as Ilona’s avenging spirit. “Not simply, though your way of speaking of it is frightening in and of itself — taking a life is no simple thing, to someone with only one, such as myself. But no, not simply because of that,” Secta said, “but because you have killed so many.”

“Truly,” spoke up Lucida, who had let herself back in, “you’ve become our blood.” She looked proud, and Jet felt a rush of heat and disgust all at once.

He flicked a hand at Secta, motioning him to the door. Out. Get out. Now.

Secta complied immediately, ducking and all but running.

Jet flushed, grinding his teeth, and said, “I thought I told you to visit Gemma?”

She smirked, crossing her arms over her chest. “I thought you were getting a shave, not waxing philosophic about your endeavors.”

When they were alone, Jet rose out of the tub, reaching for a towel to cover himself, the muscles in his jaw working as he clenched his teeth, reminding himself not to engage in any debate with Lucy — no matter what, she won.

“What’s the matter, caro?” she said, half pouting as she held a towel out to him in offering. “You look upset.”

He couldn’t help himself. “Lucida,” he began, taking the towel and wrapping it tightly around his hips. “Lucy,” he sighed. “Lucibellamea–” He tried to find the words, and his expression grew pained. He struggled to knot the towel and cursed, hissing breath between his teeth. He glared at the floor and struggled, finally asking, “Am I just a killer?”

The longer it took for him to talk, the more grave Lucy’s expression became until she stepped close and laid one hand at his hip, and then one finger to his lips. “Let me put your heart at ease, caro,” she whispered, reaching to help tie the towel at his hips. “You are as you should be. You are my black blade, my caro, my Jet,” she murmured, leaning in. The warmth of her body was sudden, when she pressed to him, only the thin layers of her silks stood between them; she let the towel fall to puddle at his toes. She wrapped her arms around him, sliding one to his lower back, and one up his spine, to the back of his neck as she pressed close. “See?” she purred, slipping a hand between them to give him a teasing touch. “Hard as rock, my black stone,” she laughed.

He deliberately set her aside and moved to pick up the towel, snapping it at her hip, growling, “Off with you.”

She danced out of the way easily, shaking her head. “Some day, you will not spurn me,” Lucida laughed, sauntering out the door.

Jet rolled his eyes and followed her to the door, moving to shut it, and lock it behind her, calling, “Some day, I will not have to!”

He waited until he had heard her footsteps dancing away before he sank to the floor of his room and covered his face with his hands. His shoulders shook as he wept silently, and he pressed his forehead to the cool marble, struggling not to keen. He had asked Lucida if he was just a killer… and she hadn’t said no.

He pressed his hands to the polished stone of the floor. His voice was a ragged whisper. “Ah, Kieron,” he wept. “What have I become?”

* * *

NEXT

Posted in Deathwatch, Fiction, Serial | Tagged , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DeathWatch No. 65 – Don’t Ask Me That

This is Issue #65 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

Sha’s expression was nothing but shock for a moment, as his words registered.

“Sha,” he begged, reaching for her. “Sha please.”

“What? Jacob, no!” Her expression was horror; she pulled back, shaking her head. She looked stricken as she tried to stroke his cheek, wanting to calm him. “I can’t — I’m not going to –”

“Please,” he sobbed, and then he spasmed again, his head tossing back, his mouth opening wide in a yawning shriek. His breath left him in short, sharp, whistling bursts that sounded as though something kept snapping wetly far within him. The twists his mind had navigated for years, the fits his brain had had… his body was trying to cope with them, now, and the strain of it was simply too much.

When the next seizure came for him, he curled forward. His teeth clacked together against his tongue, and he felt the meat of it give, and blood fill his mouth. The scream then was choked as he reached for one of the guns at her hip, fingers scrabbling. “Beeze,” he frothed, coughing. The word was as mangled as his tongue, lolling heavily, wet against his teeth. Please. “Za–” Sha. He pawed at her, his eyes rolling as another wave of pain came, crushing, grinding, twisting his body, contorting him in a fashion that left him crippled, dropped to the deckboards.

All the while, Sha shook her head, her eyes wide and wild, her heart thundering. She finally made herself freeze, heart and mind in conflict as her body trembled, trying to pull back and hold him closer all at the same time. “Jacob,” she begged, tears in her eyes, horror on her face. “Don’t ask me that. Don’t ask me to do that, how can y–”

It was then that Kieron had the strange feeling of being himself, and not himself — within and without, all at once. He could remember how he saw Jacob (himself) trying to strangle Sha (himself), and he felt Jacob’s hands reach for her. His hands reach for her. His hands reach for himself. Jacob’s hands reach for him.

Time seemed to slow down, and Kieron tried his damndest to focus through the pain, but all that was clear was the voice inside his own head.

I have to make her understand. I have to make her see.

Kieron couldn’t figure out if they were his thoughts, or Jacob’s. He trembled as his palms slid against her cheeks, as he turned to spit blood, and opening his mouth felt like fresh hell against his half-severed tongue.

“Jacob?” she whispered.

She still sees her brother.

His hands tensed, and Kieron felt his thumbs shift. He tried hard to keep himself still, still believing that somehow he was meant to stop the horror he had already witnessed, meant to allow Jacob his death without hurting Sha. Still, he could hear Jacob’s wailing, his own wailing, inside and outside his head.

She has to see a monster.

Kieron held fast, and tried to gently rub his thumbs over Sha’s cheeks, to wipe away her tears. I–we–he loves you. Your brother loves you.

Kieron was sweet.

Jacob pushed to drive them through her eyes.

“No! NO!” Kieron tried to howl. With his ruined tongue, it was less true words and more a gargled shout of fury and fear; he pulled his hands back, putting them to his own face.

Sha screamed aloud, recoiling at first from the way his hands tightened, but then reaching for her brother’s hands as he tore at his own eyes. The two of them were locked in a horrific embrace; she could not control his violent flailing — he couldn’t get free. She could only watch as Jacob mutilated himself, and in her shock, when he stopped gouging at his own face, she did not stop him as he tore at the straps holstering her gun to her hip.

Kieron pulled the barrel of the gun from her thigh and shoved it into his mouth, biting hard against the iron, breathing wetly around it, staring up at her with a bloodied gaze. Please, he thought. Please. Please let this be over. Please.

His hands shook as he struggled to reach for the trigger, trying to work his fingers against the catch, scrabbling at the hammer. Something. Anything. Give me a way out of this.

Kieron was Jacob was Kieron was Jacob was watching her and pleading, flailing for control of the gun, staring up at her.

Sha met his eyes, and finally stopped fighting him, her shoulders slumping as she bowed her head. “Oh, Jacob,” she pled.

He looked up at her in fear, in horror, shuddering, gagging against the barrel of the gun, feeling the sight scrape the roof of his mouth, tasting the acrid foulness of gun oil even over the copper of his own blood.

She slid her hands over his, watching him, trying her hardest to not sob her heart out.

He watched her watch him.

She kept her eyes on his face, kept her fingers touching his.

He didn’t know who he was anymore. He had no idea who he was, or when this might end — it was too much. Everything he knew and everything and everyone he loved smeared together and wouldn’t come apart again.

A fresh paroxysm of misery washed over him, and he began to keen; the blood in his throat ran over his chin as his eyes grew wide and his body grew rigid. One more intake, but it caught halfway through. His lips darkened as he could no longer draw breath. For a moment, there was silence, and Sha tightened her hand at the trigger, replacing his finger with hers.

“I love you,” she whispered. “I love you, Jacob. I’m so sorry. I love you.”

I love you, too.

Kieron stared up at Sha, nodding almost imperceptibly, hoping she knew how he loved her, how he had only wanted to be free of the pain of it. How he knew she’d done what she could.

How he loved her, even as (especially when) she pulled the trigger.

* * *

NEXT

Posted in Deathwatch, Fiction, Serial | Tagged , , , , , , | 1 Comment