The Nowhere

The place was all at once a still, crescent-shaped pool beneath a massive gold-leafed willow, a dusty store with shelves and racks and closets overflowing with every item imaginable, a set of impossibly tall, echoing hallways paved in intricate marble tiles, a tower that looked like the inside of a ribcage, a fire escape or a tiled roof, a rocky point overlooking a swath of perpetually stormy ocean off the coast of some lost New England town, nothing, and nowhere.

Somewhere nearby, a wolf laid in the shadow, watchful. It had been there for years. It would be there, forever. Not far from it was a pale-skinned, silver-haired man with iceblue eyes, and a man beside him in twin black braids, bells in his hair. They had been there for years. They would be there, forever. Near to them was another pair, light and dark, both with full lips, wide eyes, holding hands, holding breath. They had been there for years. They would be there, forever. And near to them was a man in a rumpled suit, with too-blue eyes. Alone. He had been there for years. He would be there, forever.

They all stood outside the circle, and watched, silent.

In the circle itself was a woman — no, several women. They were one and many, all at once. She/They looked at her/their hands and steadied them, breathing in, breathing out. She was ravenhaired, whiskylocked, redheaded, greythreaded, bald. She had constellation eyes, navy eyes, green eyes, blue eyes, too-blue eyes. She had scars. She was perfection. She was a disgrace. She was winged. She was crippled. She was fertile. She was barren. She was gorgeous. She was hideous. She was full of life. She was on the verge of death.

“It’s time,” she said, and her voice was smoke and fire, sultry and seductive, pure and purring, full of hope, full of despair, full of a thousand notes of both harmony and discord. She turned her face to the sky, to the earth, to her companions, to herself, and then down at the odd collection of items surrounding them all. Her hands, capable or broken, depending on the moment, the facet, picked up each memory, each moment, each shard, and turned it over and over. She looked at it. She took it in.

A bronze medallion, bearing a five-pointed stair. “For John,” one of the women said, nodding in remembrance. Her starfield eyes welled with tears as she said, “He changed again. Gone away.” Many of the others nodded, murmuring words of comfort, assurance.

The next thing picked up was a silver claddaugh ring. “That was mine,” a redhead said, looking down at her hands. “Dunno where I lost it.” The others promised her all was well.

And the next, a handful of bottlecaps. “They flutter like an eyelash against your cheek,” one of the women said, laughing delightedly. “Isn’t that supposed to be butterflies?” another woman asked. “Same thing,” the woman with the bottlecaps whispered.

Each item was beloved, touched, looked at, exclaimed over. Each woman’s hands cradled something sacred.

One of the redheads nodded and smiled, watching everyone else. She had nothing in her hands.

She had everything in her hands.

She had everyone else in her hands.

She embraced them/it/everything tightly, and breathed them/it/everything in.

And then she let go.

When she got up, the place was more everything and nothing than it had ever been.

When she left, she took it with her.

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Depression: The Motherland

You think you know
what it is to be in the black hole
under the paws
of the black dog
surrounded by and suffocating from
a black heart
because you have been there.

You say
you have been there.

I say you are lying;
I see that you are lying,
but I forgive you.

There is no way for you to know
what it is to dwell in that place.

If you had been there,
if you had been
to the motherland,
if you had lived
within that country,

where the language is self hate
and the currency is despair,
and the daily rituals
are just as much blood letting
even if there is no blade in sight,

if you had been there,
you would understand
you can never be an expatriate.

You can never emigrate
from this barren soil.

You will never call anywhere else
home again,
no matter where you were born,
no matter where your feet currently stand.

At some point,
for whatever reason

–because of a tumour,
or a chemical,
or a breakup,
or the sun wasn’t bright enough,
or your ma died,
or your da touched you,
or no one loved you,
or your girlfriend killed herself,
or your granmother beat you,
or you’re 43 years old, living in a skip, and hooked on powder,
or for no fucking reason at all–

the black country called you,
claimed you,
stamped in your passbook an irrevocable mark,
uneraseable,
unburnable.

If you attempt
to get a new one,
it will be issued with that crest
enfoiled on the front,
blinding and proud.
It owns you now.

If you have ever lived there,
you live there, still.

You cannot visit that country,
learn the language,
use the currency,
and walk out alive.

You cannot leave.

We cannot leave.

I cannot leave.

Do not stand there
in your strength
and promise me there is a path.

This is my country,
and its borders are wild,
populated with monsters only I can see,
monsters that want my flesh.

If I get to you,
and stand with you
in your lands,
you must remember this:

I am not escaped.

I am merely on an expired visa,
and I am about to be deported.

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Bringing Her Back

“Put it down,” she said, and I could see her pulse in her throat. “Put it down before you hurt someone.”

“Fuck off,” I said conversationally. “I’m here to hurt someone.”

“I don’t want to get involved,” she murmured, her hands up, her eyes huge. Bitch had ridiculous hair, full of dreads and braids and ribbon and bullshit; I wanted to rip it out by handfuls. “How ’bout you just let me go?”

“How about you’re the first one I hurt?” I asked, grinning. I wasn’t going to let her get any closer. Crazy people could mess you up, and I knew she was crazy — you could tell by the way she looked at me, like I was some kind of alien. I pulled the trigger and she doubled over and hit the floor, kicked twice, and then went still. “Good,” I said, nodding. “Stay down.”

Everything was going fine until she got back up again. No blood. No nothin. She tossed me somethin and when I caught it, that’s when she had me. It was the bullet I’d shot at her, flattened. Spent. And then I was moving, but not myself. Something was forcing me to move. She was — I could tell. Bitch had that smug look. She made me take my gun and put it in my mouth. She made me put it against my teeth. She got up close and watched my face as she crooned, “Just remember, when you get to Hell, you had a chance to change how this all went down.”

I woke up in a field of fire; I could smell my own gunshot, taste my own blood on the back of my tongue.

Mostly I could still see her face, smiling.

I’m not allowed to leave Hell for long, but that’s all right. All I need to do is find Miss Fucked Up Hair, and then I’m bringing her back with me.

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The Autumn Queen No. 8 – Tattoo

This is #8 of The Autumn Queen.  To start at the beginning, go here.  

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When my brother and I came to breathe, as was tradition to noble births, before we were separated from our mother, they marked us each with our house sigil, and the phase of the moon under which we were born. It was customary to have those tattoos embellished with age, filled in and made ever more beautiful by the time that we spent living our lives.

Our mother maintained that I screamed in rage when they marked me, howling without tears and making fists against those that caused me pain, while Elias bore the touch in silence, and if he was pained, gave up not a whimper.

Long after our mother died, our father would tell the story of our birth, again and again, and we would listen, always, and press our fingers to our tattoos, tracing the first marks to ever grace our skin, as if we could remember our first moments, as if we might draw strength from our past selves, Elias in his silence, and I in my rage.

* * *

NEXT

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Beside Her

She slept beside him every night, but could not bring herself to curl close, no matter how cold she was. Not for all the warmth in the world. He had too much rage about him, and it frightened her, even as he was so gentle with her, even as he never raised his voice. In a thousand thousand other lifetimes, they had been friends, cohorts, reluctant partners. They had even been lovers, caught on a dime’s edge, where her voice and his fire bled together in a field of so-red roses. But in so many elsewhens, the world had damaged them so much that all they could do was hold one another up and try to piece together the patchwork of their odd lives, held trembling by whisky and smoke and telekinesis, with a wall between them and surrounding them and suffusing them with love and loss, and the cloying, perfect scent of peach shampoo.

She watched him pretend to sleep, most nights, until she fell asleep herself, and she was always angry when she woke, because he had always already left the bed, a man terminally unslept, exhausted, but unwilling to rest beside her.

She always thought it was because he didn’t trust her.

She was wrong.

He didn’t trust himself.

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