DeathWatch No. 50 – I Can’t Tell You

This is Issue #50 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

“I need the Captain,” Kieron said, looking at Nate.

“She’s gone to bed,” Nate began. “And anyway — are you drunk? You stumble out of the meeting like you’re going to throw up. I find you out here sleeping,” he snorted, rolling his eyes.

“I need Sha,” Kieron said, shaking his head. “I can’t tell you,” he said, looking apologetic, but firm.

“This is too fuckin much,” Nate growled. “You’re crew, which means you’re mine. You got a problem, that makes it my fuckin problem. You go through me, and I go to the goddamn Captain, Brody — stop making this stupid.”

“She’ll know what I–” Kieron began.

“Damnit, Brody!” Irritated, Nate rolled his eyes and moved to haul Brody down the deck. “Fine,” he snapped. “We can go visit the Captain,” he growled. They marched across the boards, and Nate only barely resisted the urge to pull Kieron’s arm up behind up and force him to move double. He rapped on the door of the Captain’s quarters, but didn’t bother to wait for a reply before he pulled it open and shoved Kieron in. “Tell her,” Nate said.

“Tell me what?” Sha said, turning to look at them. Her expression turned from minor annoyance to shock and worry when she saw the glassy, nauseated look on the recruit’s face. “Kieron? Who was it? What do you need?”

Nate looked frustrated; obviously he was missing something — he didn’t know why the captain knew about Kieron’s problem more than he did. Normally on so many things, he wouldn’t care, could roll with the punches, but somehow this seemed more important, seemed like something he should know about — and for Sha to know and not have talked to him, it was either completely unimportant, or very, very important. Given his status as Quartermaster, he thought he should know what was going on, at the very least.

“The Maxima,” Kieron breathed, his expression full of pain. “Find the ship, Captain. You have to get to them, before they do it.”

“Do what?” Nate wondered, furious. “Sha, what in the name of all the blue fucks is the kid on about?”

Bright eyes looked haunted; the Captain pressed her fingertips to her forehead, briefly. “Fuck me,” she breathed, shaking her head. “We know their general whereabouts for two weeks from now, not their charts, I don’t know how we–” She stopped racking her brains, and looked to Kieron, who merely looked expectant. “He’s got Jacob’s curse,” Sha blurted, looking at Nate. Kieron didn’t flinch, so she imagined, at least for the moment, that it was the right thing to do.

Until Nate exploded. “What?” His eyes were wide, but his face was red, and his hands curled into fists.

“Nate–” Kieron began. He didn’t want this to turn into something stupid. They had to move fast.

“You didn’t THINK to fucking TELL me?” he said, furious. He wasn’t staring at Kieron, however — he was looking at Sha.

Kieron tried with the Captain, hoping cooler heads would prevail “Sha–”

She answered in kind; it was easier to slip into bickering than for either of them to comprehend what Kieron’s distress could mean for those they loved aboard the Maxima. “Fuck you! It wasn’t my secret to tell!” she snapped.

Nate pointed an accusing finger, baring his teeth as he snarled “I’ve had him doing jobs he could’ve fucking DIED on if he got a sight while in the middle of–is THAT why he fucking fell off the ship, Captain? Is that what I wrecked my arm for? Because you were keeping secrets?”

The level of tension was simply too much; Kieron tried again to get either of them to pay attention, but they were both so caught up in shouting at one another that he had to get their attention by any means necessary. He grabbed the nearest thing at hand, which happened to be the table upon which Sha had a few books and maps resting, and upended it toward the shouting couple. It crashed, sending things flying, and made both Sha and Nate flinch, startled. “SHUT THE FUCK UP AND FIND ME THE MAXIMA!” Kieron shouted, his eyes wide and wild, his voice louder, angrier, more desperate than it had ever been.

* * *

The pilot changed course on Sha’s orders, even as the navigator squawked and snarled about getting them discovered by the Ilonan ground forces, but when Sha then commanded them to go to full speed for as long as possible and send out a shortwave for the Maxima, the crew complied with speed. Something was up. Something was wrong. They fell into ‘duty’ mode and simply did what they were told as quickly and quietly as possible.

Once the ship was set to go, Sha herded Nate and Kieron into the maps room and pulled the door shut.

“I can’t believe you didn’t–” Nate began, looking furious.

“Shut up,” Kieron said, his fingers pressed to his temple. “It was my choice to keep it to myself, don’t yell at her about it.”

“I can fight my own battles, Brody, but thank you. Nate, shut up, seriously. It wasn’t my secret to tell. He was getting the same benefits from being around the aether engines that Jacob was. No reason to think he wouldn’t do just fine–”

“–until he fucking didn’t,” Nate said bluntly. “Jacob had plenty of close calls — Brody’s condition is a risk I should’ve been aware of. What do you think I’d go telling everyone what he can–”

And then it hit Nate — the sudden overwhelming dread that comes with remembering something. “Brody — for all of this, I knew what Jacob could do. What happened to him. So unless what’s happening to you is drastically different, I only got one question: Why are we going after the Maxima?” He reached out a hand and put it on Kieron’s shoulder, his expression begging. Don’t say it. Do not say it. “Who’s dead?”

Kieron closed his eyes, remembering the taste of salt and copper and fire, the site of Abramov’s face as he begged forgiveness, and the way his own throat burned as he tried to speak. “If we don’t stop them from what they’re about to do, Nate? All of them.”

* * *

NEXT

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With Apologies to Crane, et al

I am not always
reminded of you

(in truth,
less than you might imagine,
but more than I like,
still)

but when I am,
I find myself
overwhelmed with remembering you

as older than I am
now,
rather than older than I was
then.
I imbue you with knowledge
I am sure your present self has,
but your past self likely never knew.

We were all children,
and if I want forgiveness
for the sins of my youth

(petty and horrific
as they were)

then I suppose I must forgive you
for yours.

Sometimes,

however,

I wonder what it would be like
if I were never forgiven,
what it would mean for me
to not forgive you,
what I could do
with that power;

I would still likely crucify you,
if I could,
just to see you suffer.

I never pulled the wings off flies as a child,
never tormented something in that way,

but I could see myself doing it to you,
plucking your limbs
and letting them drop,
still wriggling,
immune to the sound of your screams
as though I could not hear
something so tiny
and so obviously insignificant.

I gave you weight,
I give you weight,
still,

but God you are

just

 

 

so

 

 

 

 

heavy,

I fear I need
to put you down
for good —

for my own good.
I must eat the rest of my bitter heart,
and finish it–

finally

–relish it,
because it is bitter,

and because it is my heart.

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To See Your Face

I remember the time
you wanted it more than I did.
It was maybe the once,
and when it was over
you still made me feel
like you’d done me
the world’s most darling favor
by letting me get you off.
Every time I open a drawer
and roll out the subject,
I hope I unzip the bag
to see your face.

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Duel

The thrust
of your argument
is bladed

and already slick with my blood
from the last time I failed
to dodge quickly enough.

The point
of what you want to say
is barbed,

and if I respond,
it will catch in my mouth
and hook my cheek;

you will land me
with an easy pull,
as you always do —

it’s just that some time,
you will run out
of straw men to burn,

and you will pick me up
as the next piece of kindling,
without a second thought.

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DeathWatch No. 49 – Little One, Forgive Me

This is Issue #49 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

It was a week later, when the vision hit.

Kieron was standing with Nathan in the Captain’s quarters, going over maps, discussing plans with the navigators and pilots. He felt proud to be included; more than once, he’d even been asked his opinion. The only thing he worried about was the nagging feeling of ‘not-there’ that had been growing over the past few days.

His Captain knew about it, and he was fairly certain that Nate knew about it, as well, but he didn’t feel like fainting or throwing up in front of anyone else on crew. He waited as long as he could, nodding, talking, strained and finally breaking out into a sweat before he excused himself, and staggered out onto the decks.

It being late, most everyone who wasn’t on a watch was either in the meeting, eating, or bunked, which meant the deck was fairly clear. This was good, since Kieron wanted to keep himself from being mobbed by crew who didn’t know what was going on, but bad, since it meant no one would be able to help him, if he were pained by the vision he knew was coming.

He moved to lean against a bulkhead and close his eyes against the rise and swell of his dizziness, and then had to grab hold of his surroundings, when he felt like he was falling through the world.

He had one last moment where he heard Nate’s voice come near, and he could smell the leather-and-hot-guns scent that was the Quartermaster, and then he was gone, slipped.

* * *

So many times the slip into someone’s death was violent and sudden — this one was no different. Kieron tensed, opening his eyes with a gasp, and was immediately assaulted with the stench of blood and loosed bowels. He was on his knees — on that marble floor he recognized, and his hands were bound. He could not feel a wound, could not feel a flow of blood, but he could feel his stomach churning, his throat on fire.

Bodies lay around him in pools of their own viscera, their mouths wide open, something redblack pooling beneath their slack jaws.

He could feel his own insides burning, and he curled his arms around himself, bowing his head forward. He recognized the uniform, and then he recognized something else: corkscrews of orange copper spilling over his shoulders. Kieron shuddered, closing his eyes and trying not to keen.

Not her. No, not her.

He remembered Nathan’s face, the agony as he held the rail so tightly, the cords in his neck standing out as he stood there shouting into the clouds. “JULES! JULES, I LOVE YOU!”

Anyone but her.

He dragged in a painful breath and sat up again, turning to look, to see who else was around, when in marched Abramov, bound in chains, following the man who had watched him slit his throat, some time previous.

The prince. Was Jet near? He tried to focus on Abramov, to figure out what happened — they’d only left a week ago. Could this already be happening?

“This is what remains of your crew,” the prince spat.

“Bastard. Animal. Monster,” Abramov snarled, looking at his people. In realizing the torment before their death, the fury in him withered, and Abramov looked broken. His eyes roamed over the dead littering the marble floor — but the worse heartbreak was when he recognized the body that housed Kieron, kneeling helplessly in the middle. “Yana,” he gasped, staggering toward him.

Kieron opened his mouth to speak, but a runnel of something hot and sour poured over his teeth, squeezed from his insides without control, running down his chin. It reeked of copper and death. He gagged, gasping, and the next breath in was fire.

“YANA!” Abramov shouted, horror painting his features. He turned to run down the dais, to get to her, but didn’t get far.

The man Sha had called Immanis pulled on the chains binding Abramov, and brought him to his knees.

“MONSTER!” Abramov growled. “You are monster! This is why we fighting! This is why war will never be ending! You are monster! You are filth! You are worse than filth!” He turned to look back to Yana, sobbing.

“You are not fighting,” Immanis said. “You are murdering. You are massacring innocents.”

“NONE OF YOU ARE INNOCENTS!” Abramov howled, raging.

“You burned villages. Whole villages. To the ground. They weren’t fighting in a war, you worthless coward.” He shoved Abramov down into the sprawl of dead bodies. “You rained fire from the sky, and you obliterated every man, woman, and child in an entire farmland valley,” Immanis seethed, tears in his eyes. “Thousands of my people!”

“I SHOULD HAVE DONE MORE!” Abe shouted as he landed near Kieron, skidding in the muck, sobbing as he tried to get to Jules.

Rained fire from the sky. Kieron remembered the face of the man who’d directed him to the TS Jacob. He remembered the scar tissue, and how the man had said it came about.

The he remembered the technic telling him what was in the kegs.

What’s it for? He had asked.

Burning.

He tried to say ‘No’, but Jules’s body retched again, and he bowed to watch his insides become outsides, straining, bloodied, lost. He turned to look at the captain of the Maxima, pain on Jules’s face, but another spasm made him lose his balance. With his arms bound and his knees in the muck, he thrashed and fell, hitting his head on the marble floor, leaving him dazed. The agony of it was unlike anything else he’d ever felt, as though a thousand hot needles were driven through him from guts to throat. He gagged, unable to catch his breath, and felt the boiling, poisonous fire of his body rage on as he stared at Abe.

What have you done? he wanted to ask.

“Yana,” Abramov begged, horror in his eyes. “Little one, forgive me.”

Immanis grabbed hold of Abramov’s beard and pulled his head to the left, and then the right, making him look at the dead, showing him what his own actions had wrought. “I charge you with the murder of thousands,” he hisses. “You are guilty, and this is your penance. Look upon what you have wrought.”

“You deserve it,” Abramov snarled, spittle at the corners of his lips.

“As you deserve this,” Immanis said, standing up and stepping back. He nodded to another figure who stepped forward.

Kieron’s vision was fading; he couldn’t breathe, and the body was panicking. He had a moment of clarity to see the man he knew was an executioner step close, and draw a blade crafted of polished black stone. The killer wore a black a black sash, and an ornate enameled death’s head mask covered his features. He stepped forward and thrust the blade up beneath Abramov’s jaw, driving the tip of it through the delicate bone of the captain’s palate and into his brain. Jules’s body yet again spasmed, and her vision finally failed; the last thing he saw was Abramov fall forward and drive the last of the knife further up, until the point sheared through the eyesocket from behind. Abe’s massive body jerked once, and then was still.

Unable to see, unable to move, Kieron lingered in Jules’ death, vomiting redblack clots of his liquefied innards until at last, merciful oblivion came for him.

* * *

The deck was ghostly quiet as the TS Jacob cut through the night sky, daring to leave the cloudbanks while in the dark.

He came to with a ragged cry, pulling himself up against the bulkhead. He was weak-kneed, with his head spinning, and his heart thundering.

Strong arms wrapped around him suddenly, holding him up, surrounding him in that familiar scent. Leather and guns.

“Nate,” Kieron gasped.

“Fuck, Brody — if you puke on me you owe me a new coat,” Nate said, laughing lowly. The sound of it died in his throat when he saw the look on Kieron’s face.

Kieron squeezed one of Nate’s hands as he panted, looking pained, and once he’d caught his breath, he spoke.

“We have to find The Maxima. Now.”

* * *

NEXT

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