Breathe Fire

She stood on the fire escape, fingers clutching the railing, cigarette at her lips. Navy eyes stared out at the night, looking over rooftops, scanning the dark for a familiar something, anything. It was there, in the space between moments, the moment between heartbeats, the heartbeat between awake and asleep. He was there.

Somewhere.

“You’re out there,” she said, inhaling, exhaling. “You’re out there, far away,” she whispered, pulling the cigarette from her mouth and putting it back, licking her lips and tasting the sweet of the cloves there.

“Can you hear me?” she wondered. “Can you hear me, wherever you are? Tuned in through some kind of fucked up radio? Is it in your dreams? Am I? I know this isn’t easy for either of us, but you have to admit, you didn’t think it would be this hard, did you?”

She looked at the cigarette for awhile, in her long-fingered hands.

“This is me,” she murmured.

Then she flicked it away from herself, watching it sail, in a whorl of bright red-orange sparks, to the alleyway floor, where it seemed like a miniature fireball, an explosion that burned itself out in less than a moment.

She turned away from herself, and was gone.

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Anger

Heat.

He sits up suddenly, blinking in the dark, his eyes wide. Had something been chasing him?

What just happened? The normal fog of dreams wasn’t dissipating — it hadn’t been there. Something real, then, if only in the corners of his eyesight, in the hairsbreadth of space during a blink. When he looks over, to make sure he didn’t wake her, he can hear his heart in his ears and the back of his throat. Pressure closes in — it’s almost like drowning; for a moment he has to fight, not to panic.

When he slips out of bed, he is careful, wincing as the bed itself creaks, but his footsteps on the floor are quick and quiet. He makes the rounds of the house, makes sure they’re all safe, all right, all sleeping, and then he goes for the bottle.

His hands slide over the green glass of the red wine, but then he simply snags the green label instead, and a glass, though something tells him he simply might not bother with the glass, and he pads around for awhile, restless, gritting his teeth, thinking of clever words, now and again almost saying them out loud, but then swallowing them back down again like the bitter pills they are, until the scotch stops burning the back of his throat, because all of him is fire.

He stands in the kitchen for a moment, bottle in one hand, glass in the other, feet on the cold floor, and closes his eyes against the tide of thoughts that threaten, but the moment he does, he can feel it.

Something moving, something in the house.

It’s alive, and slipping quietly closer. Closer and closer, on little-cat-feet.

When he opens his eyes again, the world is darkly moonlit, and the only sound he hears is his heart in his ears, and the click-whirr of the refrigerator kicking on.

And his breath, coming faster.

When he blinks, in that instant, another step. Closer.

And again.

And again.

He pours quickly, the amber liquid sloshing over the rim of the cup, touching his fingers. He lifts the glass and drinks deeply, tipping back his head and closing his eyes against the fire of it. His eyes are still closed when he feels it behind him. Still closed when he puts down the glass, and the bottle, and breathes in, cold air against the fire in his throat.

Still closed when he feels the hand at his back, a questioning touch, even as his skin prickles with the sensation of cold.

Still closed, even as his heart races faster, and he turns, and opens his arms, beckoning, challenging.

The lips on his are sweet fire; they taste of clovesmoke. He knows this is not a kiss, this is only the memory of one, only the way to get from there, to here, intact. Only a message. He doesn’t even have time to whisper, before the world itself is sweet fire, too, and the agony that crawls from his belly up his spine grows so sharp, so hot, it’s no longer pain, but force, and he lets himself be carried on the rolling wave of it, the fire suffusing him until he is lifted to the balls of his feet, his head tipped back, his body convulsed, limbs thrown out in a strained pose of crucifixion.

The fire within him rages, a pulsar where his heart was, and he remembers only one thing.

Heat.

He sits up, suddenly, blinking in the bright morning, his eyes wide. Had something been chasing him?

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Searching

She stands at the edge of a place that is familiar and yet of course it isn’t. The parking garage is tall enough that if she wanted to, it could be over. She stands up there and looks out over what she can see of the city, the greydome sky weighing heavily. Even if he were here, he wouldn’t be out in weather like this; it’s too cold to be comfortable, and the way the ice and snow have begun to turn to slush means the cold is the damp kind, that crawls in and settles about the bones. Wintry wind plays with the crazed mop that is her hair,

(a lock for every place I’ve been)

braid and bead and ribbon flutter,

(a bead for everyone I’ve known)

and she looks down, past all six feet of herself and her boots, and down and down and down, past the multi-floored parking garage’s poured concrete and down to the damp street below, and then she closes her eyes, and feels the way the wind pushes back at her, as though gently reminding her not to lean too much farther over the edge. She turns her head and looks at her wrist, and she watches the second hand slide slowly around the face. She sits down on the damp, frozen ledge, and pulls out a packet of smokes, taps one out, and puts it between her lips. Lighting it, she inhales, exhales, and closes her eyes again. Little rituals.

“Today was a bad one,” she says, to someone in particular who isn’t there. “It’s getting harder to slip. I don’t know if it’s because I’m getting further away, or closer. I swore she wouldn’t take you. At least… I think that was me. I’m not sure anymore. First few times, I thought maybe I’d lost my mind, but then I realized I still had the burns. That’s gone now, though. Didn’t hardly scar. I can’t–” Her voice cracks, and she clears her throat, and then drags deep on her cigarette and blows a smoke ring. “I dunno where you are, but I won’t stop looking. I can’t.”

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I keep finding her

I’m too late.

I’m too late every goddamned time.

I see her in the bottom of the bathtub, looking like she’s soaked in wine, her clothes and hair dyed faded rust-copper.

I saw her on the tracks, crumpled and scattered like newspaper flyers in the wind.

I saw her in the alley, her cheek split where it hit the pavement after the most graceful dehydrated swan dive ever made.

I saw her hanging from the ceiling fan, hanging from a rafter, hanging from a heating duct, hanging from a light fixture, but the worst of those was when she was hanging from the door handle of the bedroom. She could’ve just sat up, at any time. There weren’t even halfmoons where her fingers would’ve dug in. She didn’t even try.

I saw her, gun in hand, teeth and eyelashes like confetti all down the fire escape.

I saw her froth-lipped on the bathroom floor, navy eyes gone milky.

I find her again and again and again, on slabs, on tables, in chains, in dumpsters, in one trash bag, in ten trashbags. Even when it isn’t her, it’s her, and I can’t sleep. I am late, too late, always too late. Her eyes are never accusing. They never blame me. But all the same, she’s there, gone, here, gone, and her hands are cold every time I find her. I put my hand in hers and I try to tell her I’m sorry.

I try to tell her I’m sorry, that I’ll try harder.

I’ll get there faster next time.

Next time, I’ll find her, before she gives up again.

Next time.

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Reach Down

Cut it loose,
cut it free.
Reach down
and pull up,
grasping at the base,
at the root of it.

Curl your fingers around
and squeeze.
Pull.
Reach down
and grab hold,
lift.

You plucked the heart of me
out of the heart of me,
dug it free
from the barren soil
in which I’d buried it.
You want to water me
with your laughter,
like it will
make the earth
inside me
fertile again.

I want that, too.
God,
but I want that,
like I want
your mouth
on mine
again. I want
the inside of me
to be opened to the sky.

You can’t even see me;
none of you can.
I’m invisible.
She keeps me hidden
inside her, suffocated,
cold and without sun.

You’d never accept
me, anyway.
You’d never open your arms to me.

You tell me
I’m beautiful,
but you don’t know
what kind of a monster
you’re praising.
You don’t know
what kind of freak
I am, inside this skin
that isn’t even mine.
This body I hate.
This face
that bears only
the faintest resemblance
to mine.

My jaw should be
stronger. My shoulders
broader, my spine longer.
My whole self
so much bigger
than this.
So much better.

This isn’t me,
I want to scream.
None of this
is me. My hands are
the only thing close,
and even they
are pale imitations.

You reach down
and you cut me.
You cut me loose,
and I am sinking,
falling even further
down.

Maybe I am sinking
on purpose. Maybe
I am falling
away from you
because you’re too much
of something wonderful
I can’t have,
and I can’t bear to be
this near
to you,
anymore.

Reach down.

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