I keep finding her

I’m too late.

I’m too late every goddamned time.

I see her in the bottom of the bathtub, looking like she’s soaked in wine, her clothes and hair dyed faded rust-copper.

I saw her on the tracks, crumpled and scattered like newspaper flyers in the wind.

I saw her in the alley, her cheek split where it hit the pavement after the most graceful dehydrated swan dive ever made.

I saw her hanging from the ceiling fan, hanging from a rafter, hanging from a heating duct, hanging from a light fixture, but the worst of those was when she was hanging from the door handle of the bedroom. She could’ve just sat up, at any time. There weren’t even halfmoons where her fingers would’ve dug in. She didn’t even try.

I saw her, gun in hand, teeth and eyelashes like confetti all down the fire escape.

I saw her froth-lipped on the bathroom floor, navy eyes gone milky.

I find her again and again and again, on slabs, on tables, in chains, in dumpsters, in one trash bag, in ten trashbags. Even when it isn’t her, it’s her, and I can’t sleep. I am late, too late, always too late. Her eyes are never accusing. They never blame me. But all the same, she’s there, gone, here, gone, and her hands are cold every time I find her. I put my hand in hers and I try to tell her I’m sorry.

I try to tell her I’m sorry, that I’ll try harder.

I’ll get there faster next time.

Next time, I’ll find her, before she gives up again.

Next time.

About Catastrophe Jones

Wretched word-goblin with enough interests that they're not particularly awesome at any of them. Terrible self-esteem and yet prone to hilarious bouts of hubris. Full of the worst flavors of self-awareness. Owns far too many craft supplies. Will sing to you at the slightest provocation.
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0 Responses to I keep finding her

  1. Trent Lewin says:

    Stay for the crazy… and how. That’s perfectly harrowing, Jones.

    By the way, like the new blog layout.

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