You Said It First

Today
you said it first.

Unprompted.

I feel giddy,
like the time
I held the back of the chair
and let him drop
two-inch stripes over my back
again
and again
and again.

I know you think
it should be him,
but it’s you.
And it wasn’t who
we thought it was,
it was him.

And all the pronouns
in the world
can’t obscure
how you fit me.
How we match.
How you have been
the best thing for me.

I will be imagining
your brown eyes
and your perfect smile
long after you have realized

I am worthless to you,

and I will hold to this one day
as proof that at least for one moment,

I was beautiful and beloved.

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DeathWatch No. 158 – Perhaps The Two Of Us

This is Issue #158 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘DeathWatch’ then go to ‘#0 – A Beginning’ and read from there, or go find the issue # you remember, and catch up from there!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

“No,” Jules said, staring at another screen, at the void where Nathan had been only a moment before. “No, you… no you can’t.” Her knees gave, and she staggered, clawing at the screen, exhaling long and low, feeling her eyes burn as she went under the surface of the well wherein she had been keeping all her despair. “Nathan,” she whispered, “Nathan, come back,” and then crammed a fist against her teeth, curling down small, hiccuping against the panic that threatened to climb up her throat.

There had always been hope. There had always been a promise that he would come back. That she would. That they would be together.

And now?

Now that hope had disappeared into the mists covering the inland sea. If the fall alone had not killed him, the sea would dash him back upon the rocks.

She remembered the feel of his cheek on hers. The last moment they were together, when he held her, there at the wedding feast, when she slipped, when it had gone from terrible to even worse. She remembered the scent of him, leather and sweat, and her heart shuddered in her chest, aching as though it had been struck.

It was Secta who spoke next, turning to look over at Gemma and Lucida, who could only stare, dumbstruck with horror. He looked ashen and sick as he reached for Acer and hissed, “Protect the Princess and her handmaid with your life. Get them to her chambers. Lock down the palace. Now.” He stared at one of the screens, his hand touching the glass where Jet lay, still broken, rain spreading steaming red through the mud. It had all happened so fast.

Acer ordered the guards in a rousing shout, dividing them — the bulk for the Princess, the rest for the courtiers.

Guards moved, and quickly; Gemma and Lucida were swept up and separated from the throngs, surrounded by a cadre of heavily armed guards who took them from the Prince’s study in a flurry of near-panicked motion. Acer followed along, hand on the hilt of his sword. He cursed the aetheris he’d drunk, and wished for a clearer head.

The courtiers, those who had come to watch the Hunt, were escorted to their own wings, pulled from the Prince’s rooms, hurried along, out of the way, left to wonder… what would happen, now?

All through the city, the darker, hungrier, greedier parts of humanity seethed — the very creature that had ground them down into the dust was little more than dust, himself. Acer Plaga’s less loyal soldiers sent missives scurrying back to the homeland — his father would soon hear of what happened to Ilona’s Prince, and its Guardian.

* * *

“Time to go, little Krieg,” Secta said quietly, reaching down with an offered hand.

Jules shrank back from it, flinching. She stared at it, then, and then her eyes flicked up to his face, and then to the doors on either sides of the study. She slowly moved to stand up, backing away from Secta, almost baring her teeth. “No,” she said. “No, I won’t go with you. Not back to her. Not to any of them. You’ll have to kill me.”

Secta stilled his hand, knowing the look of a cornered animal when he saw one. “I’m not your enemy,” he said softly.

“Aren’t you?” Jules said, looking terrified, her eyes wide, her cheeks pale. “You served a man who hunted my little bird like a wild beast,” she said, gritting her teeth. “You kneel to a monster.”

“Perhaps, then, we have more in common than you might imagine,” Secta said quietly. He moved his hand closer to her, palm up. “I had family living in the Viridian valley,” he said, without rancor. “Cousins. The littlest would have been six.” He looked back toward the screens.

“That wasn’t me,” Jules said fiercely, baring her teeth, but her fury was salted by tears.

“And this,” Secta said, gesturing toward the screens. “You think this is me? Please, little Krieg, I am nothing here. I control no one. I listen to whispers, and I fetch and carry, and the one I lov–” His voice broke, and he looked away from her, wincing, pained.

“It was my ship,” Jules said. “He was the Captain, but everyone knew it was my ship. I trusted him,” she said, looking anguished. “I trusted that man with my life. I never would have imagined he would have something like that inside him. He told me what he wanted to do, and I could have shot him there. I could have ordered my airmen to mutiny. I could have stopped him,” she said, her voice small, looking up at him, pained. “I should have stopped him,” she whispered.

He nodded to her, reaching out, gently putting one hand on her shoulder, fingers warm and deftly avoiding the wounds on her back.

“But I was angry. He told me about his sons, Valentin and Anatoly. He told me what those butchers did, sending back their ha–” she said, her voice cracking. “Sending back their hands,” she sobbed. “Skrimsli,” she hissed, growing in fury, her fists clenching as she looked up at Secta.

“No decent man would dare,” Secta said softly. “No honorable soldier would do such a thing,” he whispered. “Those men, whatever men did that to your fellow soldiers, little Krieg — those were monsters,” he said, folding her so carefully into his arms. “But my country is made of good people, too.”

Jules looked over Secta’s shoulder, up at the screens, where she watched Coryphaeus pull himself free from the earth, a trembling, awful cry escaping him as he heaved the blade free from the mud, muscles bunching beneath bruised, broken skin. He rolled weakly to the side and sobbed exhaustedly, staring toward the cliff without getting up. “It is,” she admitted. “It is, the same as mine,” she whispered. “But we don’t stay good if we let the monsters have their way.”

“True enough,” Secta whispered. “And so I will set you free, little Krieg, and perhaps the two of us will not become monsters.”

* * *

NEXT

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Practicing Magic

You’re not good
at exorcising your demons
So often you pick them up
and hold them up
to the light,
shake them around,
let them even
shine a little,
inspect them
for rough edges,
for torn bits.
Here’s your mistake:
You don’t make them leave.
You let them
take up residence.
You give them
a taste of power
and you back up.

There is a vileness
in you.
There is a brokenness
you’ve let
fester.
There is a black heart
to you
that you cannot undo,
and it will drown
the faces of anyone
who gets too close.

You have learned by now
that all you do
is ruin.

Why do you insist
on dragging others down
with you?

Why can’t you just
let go,
and let the world
get along
without you,
before you
make it all worse?

Maybe you should
let your demons
exorcise you.

Posted in On Depression, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Play On

Oh you,
you’ll be bad for business, you.
You’ll be the death of me,
the death of all I know and love.
Your eyes are just like his.
Just like I wanted mine to be.
It’s too late in the game to change these stripes,
too late in life,
too late for me.

Play on, blue-eyed boy,
play on and leave me be.
Play on, gold-haired son,
play on and forget me.

Ah you,
you’ll be bad for business, you.
You’ll be the death of me,
the death of all I know and love.
Your smile is just like his.
Just like I wanted mine to be.
It’s too late to do more than fantasize;
it’s too late to be
anything but me.

Play on, blue-eyed boy,
play on and leave me be.
Play on, sweet-lipped liar,
play on and forget me.

You with your pennywhistle voice and your bowstring tongue,
you with your birdsong eyes, and your bodhran heart.

They all think they know your name;
they all think they can curl their fist around you —
you’re a long ways off from settling yet,
and maybe I’ll take the next chance that I get,
and maybe I’ll run aways after you,
caught in your ship’s draft until I can pass you by —
this late in life,
maybe not too late for me.

Play on, blue-eyed boy,
play on; don’t forget me.
Play on, devil-eyed angel,
play on; and wait for me.

Posted in Love Poems, Poetry, Songwriting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

DeathWatch No. 157 – “I bleed at your whim, Majesty.”

This is Issue #157 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘DeathWatch’ then go to ‘#0 – A Beginning’ and read from there, or go find the issue # you remember, and catch up from there!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

“Don’t. You. Dare.” Jules’s voice was low but deadly. She held one hand up; it pointed at Coryphaeus on the screen. Her skin paled, save for two spots of feverish flush, and she trembled, staring up, begging. “Don’t.”

* * *

“Majesty, I–” Coryphaeus’s expression was terror. He stared at the sword Immanis still held, and his voice was caught in his throat.

Disgusted, Immanis turned away, and moved to go after Nathan, snarling.

“Venator!” Coryphaeus called, his cry a plea, his voice broken. The men and women responsible for airing the telecast of the Hunt focused all the cameras they could on Legatus Aecus. He had grabbed hold of the Prince and stopped him; the shock on Immanis’s face–that he should be touched–was enough to cause a frisson of fear through the hearts of everyone watching.

From across the small clearing, Nate looked up, panting, lifting his nose as though scenting the air, knowing there was precious little time left. Coryphaeus was trying to make good on his promise in the only way he could. Nate looked to Garrett, and to Kieron, and jerked his head toward the wall, silently communicating. Let’s go!

Me. Dimitte.” Immanis growled, looking to Coryphaeus with a murderous glare. Release me. “Or you will lose that hand.”

Immediately, Coryphaeus released his grip, but moved to stand in front of Immanis, shaking. “My Lord,” he begged. There were tears in his eyes. “You asked if I would still die for you.” His voice was raw, his expression pleading. “I am dying for you, my Prince. Here and now,” he said, lifting his arms up and out, dropping his sword in the mud. “Do you not see?” Coryphaeus asked, pained. “You condemned me to this, and I fight at your demand. At your pleasure.” He ran the fingers of one hand against the wide wound on his chest, then offered them out, red and shining. “I bleed at your whim, Majesty.”

* * *

“Oh, please, no,” Jules said softly, her eyes widening. “Pick up your sword. He is not merciful. He will not love you,” she whispered to herself, as though the Legatus could hear her. “Don’t do this. Don’t. Just run. Y’could run with them. You could best him, you stupid man — they just needed more time. Pick it up. Pick your sword back up! Pick it up!” she shouted, forgetting herself, clenching her fists. “Please,” she breathed, tears on her face, her heart breaking. “Please, Cory.”

* * *

The cameras watched as Nate struggled to wake Sha, as he watched Immanis and Cory face off. It would be hard getting dead weight up the wall, but he wouldn’t leave her behind. He just didn’t know how much time he had left.

“You do bleed at my whim,” the Prince said, and the flicker of his sword was swift and terrible.

The flash of its blade was followed by Coryphaeus’s soft cry. A line of blood opened against his cheek; it gleamed in the flashing thunderstorm, and then the red ran in the falling rain, in the dark that came between lightning flashes.

Kieron stopped trying to climb up the wall; his eyes kept traveling to Djara, where she lay, open-eyed, open-throated, on the ground. Cory’s cry pulled Kieron’s gaze; he watched, pained.

Garrett stopped trying to push Kieron up the wall; his eyes kept traveling to the Guardian. He stopped wondering to himself if the man’s skull looked less broken than it had thirty seconds ago, and lifted his gaze to the Ilonan who struggled to keep the Prince occupied.

Coryphaeus took a step toward the Prince.

There was another flash of Immanis’s sword.

Another cry.

Another cut–a matching one–appeared on the other cheek.

* * *

“Stop!” Jules begged the man who could not hear her. The man who stood before his own Prince, defiant and surrendering all at once, to keep the promise he made to her.

* * *

Coryphaeus Aecus did not falter as he took a knee, but turned his face up to Immanis. “My Lord,” he whispered. “I am but a servant. If it is your will–”

Immanis Venator took half a step toward Coryphaeus, who watched him the whole time, eyes full of doubt and shame and hope and fear. The Prince reached out one hand as if in benediction, and laid it upon the Legatus’s head.

Coryphaeus closed his eyes, and tears of relief spilled over his cheeks. “My Prince,” he breathed, his lips curving into the faintest of smiles.

Venator then shifted the grip on his sword, and lunged forward to thrust it into his loyal soldier’s chest.

Luck was with Coryphaeus in that singular moment, then — Immanis’s stance in the mud was precarious. He slid just enough, and the Legatus twisted just enough, flinching in pain as the blade touched his skin. The motion carried them both down, and Immanis threw Coryphaeus to the mud, bearing his weight down against the sword.

It carved alongside Coryphaeus’s ribs, laying him open, and the crosspiece of the hilt held against him, pinning him to the sodden earth. They stared at one another, one in agony, the other in rage.

“Majesty,” Coryphaeus gasped, his eyes wide. “Et dimittam te.”

Immanis pulled a smaller knife from the plentiful wealth of them he kept strapped against his tattooed skin, and braced himself against the sword, lifting the smaller blade. He gripped it tightly, and moved to bring it down against the Legatus’s throat, saying, “But I do not forgive you.”

* * *

“No,” mouthed Jules, one hand reaching up to lay against the screen. “No, no–”

* * *

The knife only nicked Coryphaeus’s skin, but suddenly Immanis was borne away in strong arms, and the running tackle left the Prince and his attacker rolling in the mud. The Prince’s knife found flesh again, causing a roar of pain, and the Prince could be heard to hiss, “You will not stop me, Westlander! I will send you to oblivion!”

A defiant voice snarled, “You can fucking try, Ilonan — I’ll take you with me!”

Cameras swung to keep up, to capture the moment.

One of them caught Kieron wrenching free from Garrett, charging past Sha alone on the ground, running towards the scuffle, a look of panic on his features. He slid in the mud, not even wasting breath for hope, diving for the rolling, sliding, struggling pair, stretched out in a desperate reach–

(–you did this for me you did this for me —

Shoulda seen it. Boy FLEW.

— you did this for me, let me be able to do this for you oh please–)

–and felt the tips of his fingers brush a frantic, bloodied hand as it lost its grip on the muddied ledge. He could not grab hold fast enough, even as he began to slide, himself, his bare toes scraping against rocks and mud. He could not get his hand around that wrist, and the last thing he saw before Garrett hauled him back–kicking and screaming–from the ledge, was that hand, still reaching for his.

Some camera angles caught it close up, caught the expressions on their faces, the set of their jaws, the gleam of determination in their eyes. Some cameras caught only the bloody tangle of body and blade.

What they all caught, however, left an entire nation staring in stunned silence.

With startling swiftness, the Prince of Ilona and the Quartermaster of the Jacob tumbled from that ledge, and dropped into the nothing of the night’s dark — still locked in their last embrace, plunging through the mists toward the rocky inland sea below.

* * *

NEXT

Posted in Deathwatch, Fiction, Serial | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments