It’s waiting for you,
that life you’ve put aside
again and again.
Waiting for you
to pull it out,
polish it up,
get it on two wheels
and give it a push.
It’s there, that life,
waiting for you
to reach in and grab hold of its guts,
give it a pull-start.
It’s screaming for you, that life,
reaching out a hand,
at the end of its rope,
hanging on,
waiting for you
to save it.
That life you neglect.
That life you left.
That life you didn’t want
but were given anyway.
Might as well
make something of it.
100 Words: That Life
DeathWatch II No. 59 – So Be It
This is Issue #59 of DeathWatch, Book II: tentatively called Heart Of Ilona, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find DeathWatch, the first in the series, or start from the beginning of Book II!
Happy Reading!
* * *
“You let me sleep,” Secta said, looking almost wounded. He rubbed his eyes as he rolled out of the bed, looking confused. “Why would y–”
“You were exhausted.” Jet tried to keep his voice from being irritated. Now was not the time.
Secta did not flinch, but seemed faintly ruffled for being so dismissed. “I can hardly serve you, my Guardian, if you do not allow it.” Secta’s voice was not chastising, but instead wore an undisguised longing. Let me serve you. Let me love you. Let me do for you, so that I can show you the extent of my devotion. He dressed himself hurriedly, and went to get things ready for Jet, who was busily fending for himself, without any real struggle.
As the two tried to both do the same thing at the same time, they got in one another’s way more and more. Finally, Jet reached to put his hands on Secta’s shoulders and hold him still, saying, “You’re fluttering about is making me rather nervous, famulo.”
“Nervous?”
Jet raked the long dark waves of his hair back out of his face and sighed. “Nervous. What is on your mind?” He turned gold eyes to Secta, and watched him with earnest worry.
“Only what should consume the thoughts of a devoted servant.” Secta paused, frowning as he looked to Jet, turning his eyes rather than hold to the gold ones that tried to pin him down. “I worry I’ve done you a disservice. That I have failed you.”
Failed me. Jet tried not to make a face, but he couldn’t help it. One brow shot up while the other furrowed in. He stared, his mouth half open for a moment, until he was able to gather words enough to ask, “Is it that I do not show my gratitude enough? Is that why you are always so uncertain of my pleasure with you?”
Secta did not blush, but chewed his words for quite some time before finally saying aloud, “I… am not the one uncertain of your pleasure, my Lord.”
Those words were met with silence, and an expression that could only be described as hurt. Jet’s voice was quiet as he returned, “You know that isn’t fair.”
Emboldened, Secta said, “And yet, it is true. I live and die for you, my Guardian. I fight for you. I serve you. I would give anything for you.” His voice rose as he reached for the man he’d pledged himself to, entirely. “I will bleed for you as no one else ever shall. Even your Kieron.”
Stung, Jet pulled back. He closed himself off, and shuttered up his expression. Those were not the words to use. “Kindly check on Her Majesty. Make certain we are ready to depart. We require the carriage, a decent sized retinue of guards, and appropriate gifts of mourning.” He remembered the thousands upon thousands upon thousands of tokens of misery that had been delivered to him, to the Princess, upon the death of Immanis. He knew the showering of gifts in a time of grief was expected, and he did not wish to cause any stir by being ill prepared.
Secta’s shoulders sank; he bit his lip and turned away, blinking back tears. He glanced back, to see if Jet’s expression might soften, if he might relent. When there was no gentlness forthcoming, he nodded abruptly. “It shall be done,” he said, determined to prove himself, somehow.
* * *
The carriages that would take the Guardian, the Queen, and their retinue to House Aecus were sleek and dark, and moved through the city like drops of dark water, running quickly, easily over the stones of the street. People moved out of the way of the rolling wheels, though some of the children who might never have cause to ride in such a vehicle came right toward it, to slide their fingers over its glossy surface. Behind tinted windows, royalty hurried through the streets, ferried to the home of the grieving family in speed and style.
* * *
News traveled, as it does, and soon, the city was in shock and mourning. Because house Aecus was respected, banners of black were hung over nearly every appropriate surface. Nate shuffled and hunched along, listening to the news criers and the vid screens. It either meant the home he was about to get into was full of people and guards — or empty of them, perhaps. The longer he meandered the streets, the less he played his part to full affect — the people in the city hardly watched him. No one quite cared about any one particular stranger, it seemed, and there were occassional oddities much stranger than he.
He made his way to the house of Coryphaeus Aecus, and found he was able to slip over the wall, and into the home proper, without being seen.
No one was home.
He walked room to room, looking for signs of life, but found only emptiness. There was food left out, beds unmade, bloodstains, dirty clothes, and general chaos. The Legatus Coryphaeus Aecus lived without servants, apparently. Nate looked over everything, touched the pillows in the beds, and then finally–
“Got you,” he said quietly, bending low and picking up the flight suit. He could smell the blood as he examined the clothes, and he dropped them, backing away. A thorough searching turned up more evidence of Jules living in the house, from the particular way she arranged the books she was reading, at her bedside, to the way she left whorls of orange peel after she consumed them.
Signs and signatures of Jules all over the house.
But no Jules.
“You must be at his side,” Nate said quietly. “Are you friend, or prize?” He felt that groaning, that creaking, heard the strain and looked down, purposefully unclenching his fist, shaking his head. “Now what?” he wondered, talking to the Jules that wasn’t there. “Do I wait for you here, not knowing who might come home? Or do I seek you out?”
While he talked to himself, his stomach growled in response. He sat at Coryphaeus Aecus’s table and decided to eat. “If y’come home in the mean time,” he chuckled to himself, “so be it.”
* * *
Everything
I could love you
with all of my everything —
if only you weren’t already
all of my everything,
leaving me with
less than nothing
to give to someone
who deserves everything.
DeathWatch II No. 58 – Ego sum tuus maximus infelicimus filius
This is Issue #58 of DeathWatch, Book II: tentatively called Heart Of Ilona, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find DeathWatch, the first in the series, or start from the beginning of Book II!
Happy Reading!
* * *
Coryphaeus opened his eyes, wet with tears, and looked over the doll. It had been repaired, good as new. He marveled at its little clothes, laughing to himself at its stitched smile. He brought it to his face and breathed it in. “It smells of my mother’s perfume,” he said quietly, running a thumb over the stitching that sewed back together the doll’s body. He looked at Jules, saying urgently, “I need my mother.”
She stepped back, away from the door, out of his way, uncertain as to how he wanted her to proceed. Turned out, that was all he needed. Once she stepped to the side, he bolted.
A moment later, Nixus looked in, and saw Jules alone. “…where is my brother?”
Jules bowed her head and murmured meekly. “The Legatus has left to see the lady of the house.”
Nixus stared for a long moment, absorbing the way Jules behaved, here in her family house. She did not smile, but finally nodded. “Good. Wait here.”
Jules nodded in return, and did just that.
* * *
It was hard not to run; Coryphaeus hurried through the house until he reached the main hall, and then turned to go toward the room he remembered as his belonging to his parents. Guards stood outside the door — this, he was used to. He knocked at the door without addressing them, but no answer was forthcoming. He did not see the looks they gave one another as he knocked once more, and then simply tried the handle. The door was open, and he let himself in — the guards watched, but did not stop him.
Rather than the warm smell of his mother’s incense and perfumes, he was assaulted by the thick tang of aetheris, and the sharp tastes of copper and iron. Coryphaeus said nothing, but shut the door behind himself and looked around, taking in the changes. This was no longer his parents’ room — this room belonged solely to his father.
His father — who was dead.
He moved through the antechamber and into what was clearly his father’s study. On the vidscreen, a playback was paused; he saw himself kneeling before Immanis, offering himself up to the man, begging for death or forgiveness. He nearly walked past the desk to get closer to it, but as he came around the side of it, he saw the great swath of red that had yet been cleaned up. He stared at the crimson in astonishment. He’d seen blood on battlefields, but this was one man.
This was his father.
He tentatively reached out a hand, fingers going for the dried stain of it, and then laid his hand right atop the once-sticky puddle, felt the way it flaked and scaled beneath his fingertips. He pulled his hand away and retreated immediately, leaving the room, his heart in his throat.
He pulled the door shut behind himself, and left the wing immediately, boots clacking on the marble floor as he went back to the receiving hall. He stopped a servant and bade the woman take him to his mother immediately. She nodded and led him to the wing he’d originally thought of as the guest wing, but he could see had been remodeled, made more elegant. The servant led him to a set of great doors, and then scurried away. He knocked, and as the sound of it echoed down the marble hall and back, he felt suddenly small.
“Introeo,” she called.
He opened the door and walked inside, then pulled it shut after himself. When he turned around, he took a breath to steady himself, and was overwhelmed with the warm, sweet scents that filled the room. “Matri?” he wondered.
“Sum en fenestra ad textrinum,” she called.
He went back to the windows, where she sat at a loom, weaving a tapestry.
The back of the loom was to him; he only saw the edge of her hair, her robes, her arm, working. She stopped her weaving, and moved to get up, to come around from her working, and greet him.
He watched her walk toward him, her dark eyes taking him in, as he did her. They stood for a time, facing one another, gauging the moment, and he marveled at both her age and beauty, at the fine lines around her eyes, the way there was a heaviness to her expression, and yet such warmth. Was she smiling? He found he wasn’t certain, because his own eyes were blurring, running with tears.
“Matri, paenitent mei,” he said, the words coming in a rush as he dropped to his knees at her feet, bowing his head. “Ego sum tuus maximus infelicimus filius.” I am your unhappiest son.
She stepped close, and he felt her warmth as she reached down. For a moment, he thought she might take his hand — instead, she gently pulled Poppa from his fingers. “Te videtes, filius meus?” she said quietly.
He looked up, and saw that she was displaying Poppa too him carefully, showing the stitches, so measured, so carefully done. The thread was a rosy gold against the deep tan of the skin, a vibrant contrast, rather than something made to be invisible.
“Cicatrices sunt videri,” she said. Scars are meant to be seen. “Et hic,” she added, turning the doll so that he could see the way the uniform had been remade — not with the symbol of Mirus’s command, but with his own. The doll had been mended and made whole, and had been lovingly decorates with his own insignia. “Noli esse tristis, filius meus,” she said. “Est laeta dies.” Her words were a whisper, meant only for him. Do not be sad, my son. It is a day of joy. He looked up at her, and her eyes shone as his did, full of wonder, full of tears. “Filius meus,” she said, lifting her chin and nodding, reaching to cup his cheek. “Quod pulchrum ut pulchra soror eius.” My son. As beautiful as his beautiful sister.
Coryphaeus stood, then, and was folded into his mother’s loving embrace. He tucked his head against her shoulder, and let himself be held.
It was a wonder to be home.
* * *
Here We Are
In the recoil of the slap
in the essence of the snap
there you are.
In the vicious of the slice
in the broken of the vice
there you are.
In the hunger of the bite
in the pity of the night
there I am.
In the horror of the bleed
in the breaking of the need
there I am.
Here we are.
Here we are.