When I was a young man,
I did not tell anyone
about the time
I tied feathers to my arms
and tried to fly.
I did not have the gift
Icarus’s father had,
of being able
to build something
perfect,
and instead,
I did what I could.
I built something,
anything,
and I used it
to reach for the heavens.
I failed,
and fell,
but I have
a little piece of sky in my pocket,
and I carry it with me,
wherever I go.
I won’t give up our secrets
until you’re cold
and I have stopped mourning you.
(or maybe before; how could I ever stop?)
Then
I’ll take out a 2 page ad
in the New York Times,
and tell the world.
I know you think I mean him,
stupidface,
(but it’s you, it’s you, it’s always been you)
but you’re the only one
who will hear
“Fuck Off”
and know that I mean it
(full of nostalgia)
in all the best of ways.
You might have been
my first,
leaving me humiliated,
wondering what I’d done wrong,
how I could’ve been better
for you.
I realized later,
when I heard she ate sticks of butter
and cut herself for attention,
that sometimes
the stings our hearts get,
as children in love,
are like vaccinations,
for later relationships,
to keep us from getting infected
by idiocy.
What I learned from you
was that some people won’t love me,
not because I’m not good enough,
but because they genuinely want
someone more damaged
than me.
I couldn’t give it to you then,
and I wouldn’t dream
of giving it to you now;
you taught me
to hold on to myself,
and while I didn’t always
remember that lesson
when I should have,
I’m grateful
that you taught it to me
while I was young enough
to have my magical mother
bake me brownies
to soothe my broken heart.
There are times
I think about
singing to you,
calling you up
from miles away
and singing to you
all the songs
that used to be ours,
but aren’t anymore.
I wonder if
you gave them away
like I had to,
to make sure
there weren’t empty spaces
where you’d once been.
Did you fill up
the spaces of me
so you could push me away,
or did you only realize
you had to do it
after the fact?
The disasters we perpetuate
on one another,
if added up,
would weigh down
the strongest of giants,
the most powerful of angels
and demons.
If you will not submit,
I will call truce.
I will meet with you
in the garden,
and I will offer up my hands,
and lift to you not surrender,
but offering.
I will tell you,
that if we cannot
conquer one another,
perhaps we were simply
meant to rule,
together.
And when you trust me,
that is when
I will slip the knife
between your ribs,
and walk upon
your still-warm flesh,
to take what I desire.
