I fear the season’s change for us

I get a chill every night these days
and I can feel it in my bones.

I can’t escape the ice of it,
the thing that comes home
and shrieks in the wind,

this winter of our relationship,
where it is so obvious
that you are in love with her,
not me,

and because of that,
you left me alone with myself
for too many days.

Even if the great glowing light rises,
even if we pass the spring’s halfway point
and the sun begins to warm us all again,
I fear the season’s change for us
cannot be undone

And I will be cold again, forever.

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DeathWatch No. 18 – I can do this. I will do this.

This is Issue #18 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

Jet felt some kind of yawning pit open up beneath his feet. All the air in the room was sucked away, dizzying him, leaving him breathless. The floor dropped out from underneath him, and he staggered, reaching to catch himself on the edge of the bed. He stared at the rumpled covers, and closed his eyes against the sudden rush of remembrance and the empty feeling in the bottom of his belly. Something heavy in his chest tried to claw its way out, on fire and screaming. No. No, not like this. He wasn’t supposed to leave.

“Harrington–” Garrett began, and reached for Jet, to help him stand. His voice sounded far away, and under water. There was something insidious about this

“NO!” Jet snarled, turning on Garrett, shoving him down and standing over him, out of his mind in grief and rage. His eyes were wild, and his teeth bared in an animalistic rage. “NO! He wasn’t supposed to leave me here! Fuck that!” He stomped to his footlocker and pulled out a knapsack, and began to shove clothes in, toiletries, the last of his hidden stashes of money and food. It might take him a full day or more to catch up to Jet, and he would need all the resources he would carry, because it was still mostly frigid outside. Some of what he packed was reasonable. Some of what he threw in the bag made no sense at all.

Garrett laid on the floor, still for a moment, staring up at Jet, lifting his hands as if to show he were unarmed. “What are you doing?” he asked calmly, moving to get up, but not approach. He had the manner of someone dealing with a feral animal prone to suddenly dismembering anyone around.

“Getting some things together,” Jet said, breathless as he rushed, his eyes wild, his thoughts scattered. “If I hurry, I won’t have to make up too much time, I can hitch a ride, maybe I can–”

“The convoy left hours ago, and you don’t have a working vehicle of any kind,” Garrett said, trying to reason with the young man, wanting him to see that he simply wouldn’t be able to get very far. “At best, they’re at the depot right now, boarding the trains to take them to the airfield. Once the cadets and volunteers are on the ship, it leaves for the next base that needs recruits. They won’t tell you where he’s gone, Jet. The scouts are the secrets.”

“–get to the trains, or to the airfield, I could sneak onto the airfield. I’ve got money, I could bribe someone to tell me where his ship went, then I could take the next one–” Jet said, talking a mile a minute as he packed, glancing at Garrett as though to see if the man were paying attention to his defiance. I can do this. I will do this.

“It won’t work,” Garrett told him.

“It has to work,” Jet responded, pausing to look at Garrett, desperate.

Garrett knew that look; he’d seen it on men older than Jet, stronger than Jet, wiser than Jet. Men who ended up dead because of it. “You’re risking your career and your life, Harrington,” Garrett said, sighing heavily.

“I don’t care!” Jet shouted. “I don’t fucking care!” Jet stalked over to stand in front of Garrett, shouting in the man’s face. “He wasn’t supposed to leave!”

“But he did, to save you,” Garrett answered back sharply, and then bit his tongue and looked at the floor, sighing.

“You knew?” Jet’s shock and fury warred with one another; he ground his teeth and clenched his fists. “When did he tell you?”

Garrett sighed, running his hands through his hair. “Weeks ago,” he said, looking ashamed. “I tried to talk him out of it, but he would have none of it. Said if I didn’t help him, he would find a way to get me thrown out of the Academy. Something about touching little cadets,” he said, sneering faintly. “I’ll give your boy that much, he’s determined. Much as he hates his father, he learned a lot from him.”

“Well you’re not talking me out of this, either,” Jet said, slinging the backpack over one shoulder. He grabbed a heavy jacket, and stepped into his boots. “I’m going. You can either help, or get out of my way.”

“You’re being an idiot,” Garrett snapped. “He thinks he’s going to go there and his visions will help him save soldiers. Like it won’t distract him enough he could kill himself or his entire company. Neither of you have any idea what war is actually like,” he growled.

“Because academic life is exactly like how you read about it in books?” Jet quipped.

“At least in this Ivory Tower, there isn’t fire falling from the sky! You aren’t watching your best mate get ordered to shoot through a barricade of children, then having to pick pieces of him up when he eats a gun that night,” Garrett said, venom in his words.

“You think it’ll hurt me any less to be here, learning the abstract versions of things like duty and honor if he’s there, putting a gun to his mouth?” Jet said, toe to toe with Garrett, the cords in his neck standing out.

They stared at one another, Garrett determined to save at least one boy from himself, until the midday bell rang. Jet shook his head and moved to leave, saying, “M’going. Noon rush, I can get off the campus while people are busy.”

Garrett watched Jet pull open the door, and his shoulders slumped. “Wait– wait!” He sounded all at once urgent, and yet resigned, and there was pain on his face.

In the doorway, looking back over his shoulder, Jet was the picture of impatient exasperation. “What?”

God, what am I doing? he thought. We’ll get caught. I’ll get fired. Worse than fired. “I have a vehicle,” Garrett offered, almost wincing as the words came out of his mouth. “I’ll take you.”

* * *

NEXT

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You’re An Old Love

I pick you up and put you down again,
when I am weary of trying new things,
or frightened of new things.
Palm on your spine,
thumbs spreading you.

My eyes dart across
what I have seen
a dozen dozen times before,
but each nuance is treasured,
and each flaw accepted.

You’re an old love,
and I re-read you
time and time again,
even though I imagine
there are far better, newer stories
for me to experience.

People think it’s because you’re such a great read,
but in truth,
each time I take you back into my arms,
and open you like a book,
I am hoping for an alternate ending.

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DeathWatch No. 17 – Stay

This is Issue #17 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

For a long moment, silence hung between the young men, Kieron looking defensive, Jet looking baffled. “So, what, then, you just signed up without talking to me?” Jet said, incredulous, his expression so full of confusion and pain it seemed impossible it could also hold fury. “How could you do that?”

“I needed to keep you safe,” Kieron said defiantly, gritting his teeth, trying to toss his head, to get Jet to release him, so he wouldn’t have to look at those eyes, so hurt, so angry.

“Well I didn’t ask you to do that,” Jet said, letting him go. “First thing tomorrow I’m going with you–”

“No!” Kieron shouted over him. “No you’re not–”

Jet kept right on going, baring his teeth. “I’m going to sign up, and I’ll follow you right onto the same fucking airship,” he said, blinking away hot tears. “Fuck you for thinking you got to decide for me!” he yelled, pointing at Kieron, his face hot, his heart thundering. “You’re supposed to be my best friend! Why would you hide this?”

“Because!” Kieron shouted back, frustrated, raking his hair out of his face. “Because you wouldn’t let it go! Because once I figured out the answer, it seemed cruel to rub it in,” he said, his voice suddenly cracking, losing volume. He didn’t say who it would be cruel to; he hugged himself as though there were some way to give himself comfort.

“This doesn’t have to be the answer,” Jet insisted, his hands curling into fists. “This isn’t the answer!” His voice rose even further as his face reddened. “You don’t get to decide this!” Jet shouted, looking half-panicked, half furious, stepping close to Kieron, as though he could intimidate his friend into some kind of resolution, but the face-off was anything except decisive. Jet stared Kieron down, his lips curling in pure rage, chest heaving as he tried to calm himself.

Kieron, instead of answering back in words, leaned in suddenly, and pressed his lips to Jet’s. The kiss was neither long nor particularly graceful; Kieron’s eyes fluttered shut, and Jet’s popped wide open.

“What?” Jet said, against Kieron’s lips, and pulled back, looking more astonished than anything else. “That’s… that’s not. You can’t–” he sputtered, taking a step back. “What are you doing?” Jet said, lifting a hand, touching his lips, the shock evident on his features.

The wash of shame and defeat that touched Kieron’s face then was blanked by an insistent mask of calm. “Nothing,” Kieron said, pulling back as well. “I need to talk to Garrett,” he said, clenching his jaw and turning to leave.

Jet reached out and touched Kieron’s arm, saying, “Wait — we’re leaving tomorrow. This is — this might be the last time we have alone together, for a long time. What the fuck was that?”

Kieron stopped, and looked back over his shoulder at Jet, saying nothing, not even to argue Jet leaving with him.

Jet closed the distance, reaching to take Kieron’s hand, and said “Stay.”

“I need to talk to Garrett,” Kieron tried to say, looking down at Jet’s hand holding to his.

“Stay,” Jet repeated, looking urgent.

“…why?” Kieron said, tears in his eyes again, pain on his face. “I’m leaving in the morning.”

“Then stay the night.” Jet’s voice was low, rough with agony; he stepped closer, leaned in, and pressed his lips to Kieron’s. This kiss was long enough, sweet enough, that going to visit Garrett was forgotten about. Long enough, sweet enough, that Kieron didn’t leave, even when the candles guttered out, wicks forgotten and left to drown.

* * *

Jet came awake, feeling the sun on his face. He squirmed in the bedsheets, curling forward, seeking the warmth that had been pressed to him when he finally gave in to sleep — but it wasn’t there. A smile woke on his face, and he stretched further, his eyes fluttering shut as he felt an ache in his core, a creaking in his sinew, a soreness that if anything, only made his smile that much wider.

Until he saw the clock.

“Fuck!” he yelped. “Key — we missed the bus!”

He rolled over and reached, but his hand found emptiness, and then he sat up, startled, and realized he was alone in the bed. “Kieron?” he called, swinging his feet out of the bed and touching down on the cold floor. He winced as he stood, feeling muscles pull, and the smile on his face slipped away as he looked around for Kieron, for evidence of him — until realizing he wasn’t anywhere around.

Before he could investigate further, there came a banging on the door. Startled, Jet grabbed a pair of sleeptrews and pulled them on, rubbing his hair back out of his face as he opened the door.

Professor Garrett stood there with his mouth open, and his fist in the air, ready to strike again. “Ah–” he began, and then closed his mouth, blinking owlish eyes behind half-spectacles. “Harrington,” he said, pursing his lips. “You missed breakfast, morning meditation, and your first two classes.”

“Fuck,” Jet breathed. “Have you seen him?” A rising knowing was catching fire within the back of Jet’s mind. A nagging feeling that he wanted to shove away, that he wanted to dismiss. No, he wouldn’t have. He wouldn’t. Not after last night. He wouldn’t have just left me here.

Garrett blanched, looking at Jet curiously. “Seen him…?” he responded.

“Yes, Kieron Brody, about yea tall, sickly looking thing, only recently came back to the Academy, Kieron Brody, you helped me keep in communication with him while his father was acting as jailer, have you seen him?” Jet said, going from sarcastic to frantic. His expression worried Garrett, who pressed forward to urge Jet to let him in. He shut the door behind himself, while Jet paced, looking around for Kieron’s things, for confirmation of his existence.

“Yes–” Garrett said, staying near the door. “Yes, he… he said you knew,” Garrett said, his jaw working, anger and apology dawning over his features. “Jet, I’m so sorry — This morning, for scout regimen basic… he already left.”

* * *

NEXT

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All Your Secrets

The slick
that is the blood between us
a redblack of wet
where I have given birth to idea
and cancer alike
that eats my lungs
and my heart

if I were faced with you,
I would put you down against the soil
and cover your body
and set you on fire with my skin

why won’t you listen
why won’t you learn
everybody is hungry for something
beyond this cold
just a little kiss
just one
I’m going to use this rock to tear you open
until all your secrets are spilled out for me

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