Hamlet

I have learned about myself
things I didn’t want to know.
I didn’t dig these things up;
I left them, let them lie,
for a reason.
A reason that escapes me now;
what have I been afraid of?
The answers, maybe,
that will set the world free.
It might’ve been better
to stay chained, might’ve been better
to be the thing
that kept remembering
13 ways of looking at
anything but a blackbird
but kept it to himself
and never opened his mouth
to speak the truth —
no one ever really wants the truth
as much as they say they do.
It’s hard when you realize
you’re nothing like
you wanted to be.
Harder, still, to forge a new path.
Harder, still, to leave the world behind
when it is all you have ever known.

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Under the Tracks

Poppies in
the rear view mirror.
I look back,
and I imagine
what I remember.
Red blossoms
across a white shirt,
a white throat.
Flanders Fields,
for an army of angels
who had no wings
and no idea
but plenty of ideals.
Would he have lasted three days
before he put a bullet
in his brain?
Would she?
Would I?

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I’m too cold

and I have nothing left to give
I have nothing left in me
I am nothing left
I hope tomorrow is better than tonight
but if I go to bed,
oh god what happens if I go to bed
and then I wake up tomorrow morning
which is only a few hours from now
what happens if I go to bed
and all I need
is for the next day
to have some kind of new beginning,
new awakening,
but then I wake up
and it isn’t?

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Audio #DeathWatch Update!

You may have noticed the Audio Version of #DeathWatch hasn’t come out — but I have a good reason, I swear.

I started recording, and I was doing just fine until it came time to ‘do the voices’.  In my head, it was to be just a read-aloud version of each episode, rather than having real sound-effects or anything post production, like a radio drama. As it was pointed out to me, one reader envisioned it as me reading it like I’ve read other books aloud — I ‘do the voices’, and I’m rather enthusiastic. I like speaking with accents that are different from my own. Makes for a fun time all around. Unfortunately, it occurred to me (much too late to gracefully handle it) to question these characters who will have different voices… as in: what kind of voices will they have?  In my head, my set of characters, who are rather diverse along racial lines, class lines, sexual orientation/presentation lines, etc… could already be cast in a movie.  I have a picture in my head, how they look, how they sound, how they move.

There’s a bunch of different accents in there — British, German, Russian, Scottish, Irish, American Deep South, Japanese, Egyptian, Indian, Saudia Arabian…. and then I hit a wall.

I had to ask myself “Self? Are you about to knock over someone with your invisible backpack?”

Then Self had to say “Uh. I don’t fucking know. Shit. A little help here!”

So since Self’s not any help, I’m asking you guys:

Is it okay for me to mimic the speech patterns and vocal tones of other people/races while creating this?

The setting of DeathWatch is a FAR FAR FAR flung alternate future Earth, after .  I picked geographical areas that made sense in my head, and ran with it.  I’m using Earth languages, earth dialects — the things my characters are saying could be translated back to English and/or I could show you the phrasing of what I’ve picked, in the languages I’m using, so theres a modicum of in-world justification for how/why people would sound like I think they do. Centralites are from certain areas, while the folks on the other side of the Luminora (Ilonans, Tenebrians, etc) are from other areas.

It’s possibly an overdone western-fantasy-trope, but by splitting the main cast so you get BOTH perspectives, I was hoping to avoid a strict ‘othering’.

But I still don’t know if it would be insensitive of me to ‘do the voices’  — to read aloud and pretend the accents, for the sake of fun, when reading.  Is it a version of appropriation? Is it just outright racist?

I don’t know.

I’m positive this is a case of my backpack getting in my way, and I am way too close to the situation to figure it out myself. I’ve done a bunch of reading, and I’m learning more and more how to make sure I don’t write insensitively, but the audio version presents a whole bunch of new challenges, and my Google-fu simply isn’t giving me any real answers.

So I’m asking you, readers. Could I get some input? All you POC who read #DeathWatch — would you be comfortable giving your opinion? If not in the comments, then you could email me — catastrophe dot jones at gmail dot com — if you don’t mind? I want to do this well; it’s important to me not just that I’m not called out on it, but that I actually do the best I can to not be insensitive, or outright offensive.  Please let me say I recognize that not any one person can speak for all others — I know I can’t get a single token POC to give me the go-ahead, but I definitely need some points of view that aren’t mine.

 

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DeathWatch No. 103 – You Have One Week

This is Issue #103 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘A Beginning’ and read from there, if you need to catch up.

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

“Jet.”

The voice was familiar, but Jet didn’t want to hear it, didn’t want to listen. In the forefront of his mind was his rage, his misery. He had already lost everything, and then rebuilt. He would have to lose it all again — and why? For no reason he could discern. For Fate, perhaps. Because that is what was foretold. He stared at Secta, and the young man trembled in his grasp, tears in his eyes for how he was held up by a fistful of hair.

“Jet.”

Slowly, Jet lowered Secta back to the floor, his heart still thundering in his ears. He released Secta, and the poor man dropped to his knees, disoriented. Jet turned and looked over his shoulder, and felt his heart stutter.

Immanis stood there, tall and proud, dark eyes watching. He looked at Jet almost impassively, though his gaze, as it lingered, grew less and less devoid of feeling, and more and more full of the fire Jet felt within himself.

Jet met his gaze, and said nothing, for a moment. He stepped away from Secta and looked down at him, knowing his heart should hurt to see the young man rattled, stunned into silence by fear. Instead, he felt nothing, and in that he wondered what so many others had found themselves wondering — just how much had he changed? “Leave me,” he commanded, sending Secta on his way, baring his teeth with the words. He looked to Immanis, and took no more note of Secta’s departure than he would of a fly buzzing away. The gulf between him and the Prince seemed immeasurable; he stared across the void and waited. “What is it–?” he finally asked, biting off the question before he could say ‘brother’ or worse, ‘my Immanis’, for he knew no one could be his for long.

“Your self pity is unbecoming,” Immanis said abruptly. “If you cannot control yourself, at least shut yourself away until your temper tantrum is over.”

The shock on Jet’s face lingered for longer than he would’ve liked; he stood taller, closed his mouth, and gave the briefest of nods. “Is there anything else you wish to tell me?” he asked, refusing to acknowledge the heat that touched his cheeks, the shame that he felt crawling up the back of his throat as though it could choke him.

“Make your peace with your famulo. It would be difficult to find another to fill the position so faithfully,” Immanis declared.

“Your concern is duly noted.” Jet all but growled the words; the hand holding his glass knife curled into a tighter fist. “Anything else?”

Immanis’s dark eyes grew brighter, but Jet could not tell the emotion contained within. “The wedding will take place in one week.”

Jet felt his heart tighten, his body grow tense. “One week,” he repeated, nodding. “Does she know?”

“She does.”

“Is she ready?” Jet asked, his voice softer.

“Are you?” Immanis countered.

“I will do as you command,” Jet said softly. “I will do what Ilona needs. I will live and die at your hand, Majesty,” he said, his spine stiffening. He stood tall, straight, his expression blank, his eyes cold and dark as unlit coals. He stared off into some middle distance, without meeting Immanis’s eyes. He would keep his word. He had been abandoned before, and he would be abandoned again, but he would keep his word.

“My sister deserves more than a man who will see her as a duty,” Immanis noted. “I have given you the highest honor that I may, in securing her hand for you. You saved her life, and I made you my brother. You saved my life, and I gave you her hand. You defended the city against an invading army, and saved my life a third time — we are bound together, are we not?”

Jet turned to look at Immanis, exhausted, and was shocked to see a look he did not expect: pain.

“Tell me, my Black Stone, do you truly feel nothing?” Immanis asked quietly. “You are not a prisoner here,” he said, and his voice broke. “You know this, yes? My sister’s hand is a gift of gold, not a chain of iron.”

Tired of explaining himself, Jet said “She does not love m–”

I do!” Immanis all but shouted, his fist striking once, twice against his tattooed chest.

Stunned at the words, Jet said, “Then… why are you trying to make me marry Lucida?”

“I marry you to my sister because Ilonan law requires her to have a Prince and I trust no one else! I marry you to her to keep you close to me!” Immanis said. “Your heart will be a prize before long. Other families will vie for it. I could not breathe, thinking another might possess you.” Immanis stood close, trying not to shout, gesturing wildly.

“You wanted me to marry Lucida months ago. Before we ever–” Jet said quietly.

“I knew you were different when you knelt before me, and would not bow to my will,” Immanis murmured. “I knew you alone could love me with your own heart. Not whatever I commanded of you. What would you have me do, chase you?” he whispered. “I had thought you mine, already. The Westlander had poisoned me. I was a prisoner in my own flesh, dying a slow death, cold and colder, alone, but then you were there. A bright spark amidst the frigid night. You woke me. I tasted blood and fire and you were there, were you not?”

Jet’s cheeks burned, and he looked down, lost.

“You were there in my bed, were you not? So let us not pretend. You came to me a foreigner and you were unaffected by my powers. You fought for me. You died for me. I gave Lucida to you in promise, to keep you near to me, my Black Stone,” Immanis said. “You could have let me die under Plaga’s sword. You could have let me die from the Westlander’s poison. Yet you did not,” he murmurs. “I must believe it is because you feel as I do.” A look of hope settled tentatively over Immanis’s features, making his face almost radiant.

“I cannot,” Jet whispered. “I do, and yet I cannot.” I love another. A boy who is a man now, perhaps, if he still lives. And I cannot let you love me. You die, loving me.

Immanis’s expression fell. He turned, at once, before Jet could see the tears in his eyes, and moved to leave the room, sweeping away, sudden and almost in retreat.

“Immanis,” Jet began, reaching after him.

“You have one week,” Immanis interrupted, turning back, his eyes cold, his jaw set. “And then you shall make your decision.”

“My decision?” Jet asked.

Immanis nodded, his teeth clenched. “You will wed Lucida, or–” He looked both furious and lost as the words hung in the air.

“…or?” Jet prompted softly, frowning. Would Immanis put him in the hunt?

Glittering dark eyes watched Jet; great wells of tears remained unshed. Immanis’s voice remained steady, somehow. “Or I will let you go.”

* * *

NEXT

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