DeathWatch No. 146 – Did I Not Mention This Is Difficult?

This is Issue #146 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘DeathWatch’ then go to ‘#0 – A Beginning’ and read from there, or go find the issue # you remember, and catch up from there!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

Flying over the world, Garrett watched the green give way to grey — once they hit the blasted borderlands, he felt an odd calm settle over him. This was really happening. He was really doing this. He would slip into Ilona and find the boys, dead or alive, and bring them home. He felt he owed it to them, and in a strange way, owed it to Danival, though he couldn’t have explained why, if pressed.

As simple as the plan seemed, he felt his heart in his throat even now that there was little point to turning back. Danival had agreed to help him, and that meant they would be traveling to the Ruins — one of the only places the Ridge was passable.

While further north, Centralis had sent scouting ships through the Notch, they had once sent waves of men through the low passes of the borderlands, the ruined cities in the foothills served as a reminder of the weapons used during wars of ages past — but no one who’d stayed long in the borderlands lived a good life, afterwards.

Even the Ilonans could not man outposts within the horrors of these foothills; the abandoned airfields onto which Garrett had planned to parachute wasn’t even theirs — it had been built and destroyed by some divine touch long ago, the scorched handprint marring an otherwise luscious sea of green and gold hills.

He remembered crossing through the very edges of the borderlands when he was younger, droves and droves of foot soldiers picked up and dropped off to make their incursions into enemy territory. While there was a pass that seemed perfectly workable, soldiers had long ago learned never to linger in the greyed and wasted lands — after days of trudging through the spoiled earth, they would bleed from the gums, lose teeth. Hair would fall out in clumps, and skin would begin to fester. He’d heard awful tales of men squatting out their own insides while in the latrines.

As if war wasn’t torment enough.

The Ilonans felt safe enough that no soldiers would get through — on foot, they died before ever making it out of the borderlands, and the ships that attempted getting through the pass all suffered catastrophic failures, either of their navigational instruments, or their aetheric fuel tanks. The pass itself was littered with hundreds of airship carcasses and thousands of soldiers.

It would be a veritable goldmine for any crew who could get in and out to scavenge, but the risks were a horrorshow at best.

Danival soared on without hesitation; and his hands held the piloting controls with no sign of tension or fear, while Alec watched the mountains loom ever closer. “I could chute here–” Alec began.

“Don’t be a fool,” Danival said, but not harshly. “If we don’t cross, Alec, you’ll die in the blighted lands. You promised me this wasn’t actually a suicide mission, or I wouldn’t have brought you here.”

“It will be suicide to try to fly all the way through the pass, Dani,” Garrett sighed.

“I’m a lot better at this than you give me credit for,” Danival said quietly. “Just give me continuous readings until the instruments don’t work anymore.”

Garrett fell silent except for reading out the numbers, and when the dials began to simply spin, he murmured, “That’s it. You’re on your own.” He gripped the armrests of his seat and breathed slowly, deeply.

In the pilot’s seat, Danival set his jaw and watched out the front, relying only on his senses to get them through the mist-soaked pass, pulling up and leveling off, banking left or right as he needed to.

The dizzying swoops left Garrett breathless; he watched as Danival maneuvered the plane skillfully, but felt a low whisper of dread begin to clutch at his belly, struggling to take hold. His eyes focused on every nuance of Danival’s expression, from the way he narrowed his eyes to the way his brow furrowed, trying to understand if the man still believed he had control over the situation. High winds buffeted the plane about; and as the whole thing groaned and shuddered, it dropped a few dozen feet, and Garrett felt his stomach pull up into his throat. The rising, choking feel of it gave him a sudden moment of panic.

“Dani, I l–,” Alec blurted aloud.

“No!” Danival shouted, audibly incredulous. “Did I not mention this is difficult? I said I could do it. I didn’t say it would be easy. Now please, Alec. Please, when you come back from Ilona, when I’m done invading the damned place, if you still want to talk… then we can talk. Tighten your buckle–”

Garrett opened his mouth, but the ship rolled hard to port, and he found himself half dangling above Danival as the man carefully flew them through the blighted pass of Damnation Ridge. Turbulence left him dizzied, and he passed out, surrendering to the whorling mists of the mountain.

* * *

When he woke, Danival was patting his face, his expression urgent. “We can’t stay here, Alec. You either have to come with me, or you have to get moving.”

“Fuck,” Garrett whispered to himself, getting up, groaning as he rubbed his eyes, trying to dispel the pounding headache lodged behind them. “You landed?”

“Of course I landed.” Danival didn’t bother to sound offended, but did roll his eyes. “And then I carried you out here. Now get up. I got you as far as I knew I could go before the plane would be noticed, but you’ll still need to hurry. More than a day here and–”

“I know,” Garrett sighed. “I know — you can’t stay either. Is this my duffel? Good. Right then. Go,” he said, gesturing for Danival to get back to his plane.

“Do you have everything you need?” Danival looked reluctant to leave.

Garrett felt a tug at his heart as he watched the man lingering in the hatch of his prop plane. He had a distinct memory of trying to blurt something inappropriately timed (and perhaps only panic-induced) at his erstwhile lover, and his cheeks began to burn. “Silly time to be asking now, isn’t it?” he wondered, walking back to him. “Go, Dani,” he urged. “You’ve already brought me further than is safe. Your country wants you home, and any chaos you cause coming down from the north will only help me get those boys. Are you really going to lead a charge?”

Allt mun falla aur moshchyu av Krieg,” Danival said, lifting his chin.

“All will fall before the might of the Krieg.” His smile, while fond, was still somewhat sad.

Danival nodded, insisting, “All, Alec. Because we are a mighty people.”

“That’s true. And I’ve only just realized that sometimes, the last option is worth taking, instead of withering to ash, my mighty Krieg,” Garrett said, looking pained. “But even so, I don’t want you dying.”

“Ah, Alec, I am without fear,” Danival laughed, offering out a hand. “I have survived this long; my heart’s blood will not run on the blade of any mad Prince or any of his followers. It’s you who should be careful. Your days as a professor may have made you soft.”

Garrett rolled his eyes, shaking his head, thinking of Olivier. Remembering Holden’s expression when Garrett had grown angry to react was both shaming and hilarious at once. He reached out and clasped Danival’s hand, and was not surprised to be pulled into an embrace that was as achingly warm as it was bone-jostling. He rested his cheek on the Krieg’s chest, briefly, marveling at how much larger than he Danival was. “By the skies but I’d forgotten you’re massive. Even for a Krieg,” Garrett chuckled.

“Always was. My mother said I’d never stop growing,” Danival laughed. “Goodbye, Alec.” One massive hand held Garrett’s; the other reached up and so briefly cupped the man’s cheek.

For the barest shard of a moment, Alec held his breath, something in his heart pounding fiercely, demanding, awake and alive and singing.

The moment ended, and Danival released him, seeming to have almost startled himself. He let go, stepping back, nodding as if to say ‘that’s enough’.

Alec Garrett watched the plane take back off, and bank to go northwest, leaving him behind most definitely on the wrong side of Damnation Ridge. As it finally disappeared from sight into the mists he gave a long, low sigh, hoisted his pack up over his shoulders, and got to moving.

* * *

NEXT

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Again (Again)

Endless possibility.
Boundless hope
discovered in measured step.
Piece by piece,
putting back together
the very foundation
of what creates a life.
First, breath.
Next, thought.
Then, form.
Finally, action.
See fear and hold fast;
becoming is a re-birth,
and all birth
involves pain.

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Dialogue Can be Fun

“But what if I don’t want to?”

“I’m not sure why you think that should matter.”

“I have free will you know.”

“Mmm.”

“You keep making that sound.”

“Yyyyes. Well. You humans often bring up the notion of free will, as though it’s some sort of ‘get out of jail free’ card but you’re failing to take into account one little thing.”

“What’s that?”

“That guy also has free will.”

“What g–*”

“…clean that up, would you?”

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DeathWatch No. 145 – You just used to like me better

This is Issue #145 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘DeathWatch’ then go to ‘#0 – A Beginning’ and read from there, or go find the issue # you remember, and catch up from there!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

The fuselage gave a groan and shudder as the plane banked hard to the south. Flying under the scanners made for quick maneuvers, at times; Danival watched the skies as they soared over city and farm alike, headed swiftly toward the borderlands. If he could get Garrett south enough, they’d be able to head east and end up nearly in Ilona. Garrett could go searching for the downed ships, check for prisoners and perhaps even effect an escape. The Allied Forces had lost quite an asset the day Alec Garrett officially resigned, and left the active service.

Garrett checked readouts and navigation panes, adjusted certain instruments and followed Danival’s lead. For the most part. “When’s the last time you actually piloted this ship?” he wondered, smirking wryly

“Having some second thoughts?” Danival chuckled. “Don’t you trust me?”

“If I’m going to die on this trip, Dani, you’re the man I’d be most comfortable doing it with. I simply hoped I’d get to my destination, first, not crash along the way,” Garrett sighed.

Danival rolled his eyes and said, “Sosat mig, Alec.”

“Suck m–!” Garrett laughed aloud and covered his mouth in faux shock, saying, “You’ve grown.. frekh, in your old age, Dani.”

“Sassy!? Old?!” Danival growled. “You’re wearing a chute, right? We’re close enough to the mountains, you could hike it.”

“I take it back,” Alec laughed. “You’ve always been mercenary. You just used to like me better,” he teased.

Danival’s voice was low as he quipped, “Det var før du knuste hjertet mitt, Alec.”

Not so low as Garrett couldn’t hear him; leaving the Forces for the Academy had given him the chance to deepen his language skills in more than just the old High Speech. The younger man looked stricken, swallowing roughly. Kriegic could be a beautiful tongue — but when spoken in anger or grief, it carried the broken heart of its speaker in raw hands. That was before you broke my heart, Alec. “Dani, I–”

Knulle mig,” Danival cursed, shaking his head. His cheeks were red in shame; this was not how a decent man acted. “Förlåt mig, Alec. You left for the same reasons I left someone before I met you. Perhaps that was fate’s way of telling me to have a care for matters of the heart. To not be so callous. We’re reaching the foothills. I need readings every… eight kilometers.”

“You thought me callous?” Garrett said, flinching. “127,” he added, frowning slightly at the readouts. “Dani, things changed, but not for everyone. I couldn’t just openly…” He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I still can’t,” he sighed, thinking of Ellison Brody, and the man’s obvious disgust for his son’s nature. “Progress… happens for everyone, including those who hate. They learn new and more dangerous ways to hate, and we can’t always recover. 115.”

“No, I thought you clueless,” Dani said quietly, adjusting his altitude. “I thought you were payback. I thought the universe was laughing at me, and I thought myself stupid. I suppose… I imagined I would never see you again. That you’d some day manage to wake up, as I had, and you’d try to be happier, and I’d hoped… I’d hoped any future lovers would be kind to you.” He looked to Garrett frowning slightly watching his reaction.

“Ninety-seven,” Garrett said softly. He was quiet for a moment, thinking over what to say next. “There weren’t any. Pull up.”

Flabbergasted, Dani turned from the screens, no longer really watching what he was doing. “What?” Dani said, looking baffled. “Garrett, it’s been… it’s been over ten years.”

“Pull up, Dani,” Garrett said more urgently, looking at his readouts, tapping one of the screens. “Can we change the subject? I’m–”

“You can’t expect me to believe you haven’t had any kind of a relationship in ten years,” Danival said, half-smiling in disbelief, shaking his head. “It’s all right if you–”

Garrett’s voice was clipped and quick; he could feel his pulse in his fingertips, nerves making his heart race — he’d never much loved flying. “Eighty-three, Dani–”

Oblivious to Garrett’s worry, Danival kept right on speaking. “–don’t want to talk about it; it’s been a long damned time, and I was angry, I was so angry,” Danival explains, his expression oddly sweet, kind.

“Danival! PULL UP!” Garrett shouted. His eyes were wide; he reached to try to grab hold of Danival, as if to be certain he had the man’s attention.

“Alec,” Danival sighed, looking fond. He shifted his grip and pulled back on the stick faintly. The plane shuddered and groaned again, leveling off. He ran his fingers back through the pale waves of his hair, and then smoothed his beard contemplatively. “You always had a flair for dramatizing things.”

“And you were always impossible,” Garrett sighed, sitting down heavily, rubbing his face. His eyes were tired as he looked to Danival, and then back to his instruments, uncertain as to where he should rest his gaze. His heart felt tight; he’d known it would be hard to face the man who’d saved his life. He’d known to expect that Danival might not even help. “Ninety-four.”

“I liked to think I’d finally learned what the important things were,” Danival said quietly. His voice was low as he continued. “That I stopped being so concerned with the rules and realized that for so many, it was safe to break them.”

Silence reigned between them both for a long time as the horizon simply kept changing, kept coming, kept flowing beneath them like restless waters. They flew past the eastern ranges, and into the lowlands that were so disputed. He kept the plane below all longrange scanning altitdes, aided by Alec.

“Dani…” Garrett began quietly, after awhile.

Danival nodded, smiling faintly. “It’s all right, Garrett. It was a long time go, and you didn’t really owe me anything then, nor do you owe me anything now.”

“Dani,” Garrett sighed, bowing his head. “I did love you,” he promised.

Danival’s smile turned brittle, but remained on his lips, and softened with nostalgia. “I know,” he said softly. “I know.”

* * *

NEXT

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The Columns That Hold You Up

I'd drown don't you love me anymore? 
Do not worry, everything gets better 
in time. They say the black dog lies 
to me, but he's not talking, not All
even a whisper. he does is stay. All 
he ever does is stay. Good doggie. I
Nice doggie. So loyal. He'll never I
leave, will he? At least one thing I
won't. Can't. Shhh, don't bother not
complaining; everyone else has funny
bigger, better, worser problems. all
What's is so fucking heavy. What's I
the matter, honey, am I entertaining 
anymore? Don't worry, Daddy will get 
better with time. What's the matter, 
darling, so tired I just need to one
take a walk -- long last walk to out 
sort it all so I can finally get and
some rest maybe try again. I'll make 
different choices. This isn't always
about you, but maybe it should've it
been. Maybe it should be. Bitch long
might be. Ha ha ha. How long can I'm
this possibly go on? How can I doing
make it look like doing the right so
thing when I didn't start out the it
right thing and I've been faking and
everything for long, because they it
said 'fake til it's real' but it yet
isn't real at some point, someone is
gonna show up and take you all away. 
So just tell me again, won't you you
please, how am I supposed to breathe 
while I'm too weak to hold a gun I'm 
already the quieter you get, the all
better they think you are. Ha ha ha. 
just wish I knew how to reach you. I
Maybe we could try to pull one shoot
another up instead of hold eachother 
down. always have a vision of a Fuck
constant, something staying the same
even after years and years. Even Ron
after this time. lost those earrings 
entirely. No idea where they are. on
Fuck physics. Fuck. all those people 
who said 'if only tried'. I'm myself 
if thought I had the strength. bears
I'd cut myself but everything is I'd
hesitation. myself but Maybe next of
time. Everything is dark and an just
undercurrent of shame, lately. funny
Everything's suffocating? Drowning I
in fear and self pity. Wallowing, my
even. It's not anymore. Sugar is too 
thick on tongue; sleep's too eyes my
heavy. will never be more than isn't
this and this enough. Good night and
good night, and good night. Goodbye.
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