DeathWatch No. 159 – Nam propter Jules

This is Issue #159 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘DeathWatch’ then go to ‘#0 – A Beginning’ and read from there, or go find the issue # you remember, and catch up from there!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

“Let me GO!” Kieron screamed, trying his damndest to hurt Garrett, to make the man drop his hold, to get away. He could think of nothing but his fallen comrade, and would have thrown himself from the overlook as if he could catch him, if only Garrett would allow it. “NATHAN!” he howled, crying out until his throat burned. Tears blurred his pale eyes; those and sweat and rain and blood and mud matted his filthy blonde hair against his neck and cheeks. He felt himself pinned against Garrett’s chest. He struggled, still, until he finally threw his head back, cracking the back of his skull against Garrett’s face, stomping his feet down against Garrett’s instep.

The older man released him, cursing as his broken nose gushed blood.

Kieron ran for the edge again, choking on his own terror. “NATHAN!” he screamed, going hoarse, calling out again and again, scrambling to the very edge and looking, leaning in a way that would send him tumbling with a strong wind.

Garrett grabbed for him again, but Kieron struggled, and nearly threw himself off the ledge. It wasn’t until Garrett punched him in the jaw that Kieron relented. The boy’s head snapped to the side, and he sagged, reeling. The older man took hold of Kieron again and backpedaled away from the drop with all speed, panting. When Kieron tried to fight him again, Garrett threw an arm around the boy’s throat and held tight.

Coryphaeus stared, clutching one hand to his side, his eyes wide as he held himself up by holding the Prince’s sword that had nearly run him through.

Kieron clawed at Garrett, tried to get his feet under himself to push free — his face turned red, and the fury gave way to uncertainty in mere moments. The uncertainty became panic almost just as quickly. He flailed, desperate, his mouth forming soundless words. Let me go! I have to save him. I have to get Nate. Please. Garrett, please!

Garrett himself looked calm, but determined, saying, “It’s over, Brody. He’s gone. I know, shhh. I know, boy. Shhh. I know.”

At last, Kieron’s eyes rolled back in his head, and he went limp in Garrett’s arms, sagging like a rag doll, his head lolling on his neck as Garrett carefully released him. Garrett laid him to the mud and saidto Coryphaeus, “The other one’s heavier. I’ll get her. You get Brody. Let’s move.”

“We have time,” Coryphaeus said, tasting blood, turning his head to spit, raking dark curls back from his face. “We should make our way back to the entrance. Climbing over the wall will kill me.”

“It might, and it might not, but the thing behind you will definitely kill you,” Garrett said, nodding to the Guardian’s body on the ground. The redblack puddle around it steamed in the night rain; when lightning flashed, the Guardian’s face was revealed to be definitely less crushed than it had been — not recognizeable, still, but at the same time, more like a face than simply a patch of bloody carnage on the ground.

“It’s dead,” Coryphaeus said softly, turning to look back at it. “Isn’t it?”

“It doesn’t stay dead,” Garrett replied, glancing over at it with some trepidation. “I’ve been watching it; I’m not sure how much longer it will be, but it will rise again, and when it does, I don’t know as we’ll make it out before it catches up with us. So up over the wall we go.”

Coryphaeus kept staring at the Guardian and nodded, stooping to pick up Kieron and sling him over his shoulder. “Let’s go, then,” he said, hurrying in a stiff shuffle for the wall, doing his best to ignore the screaming fire against his ribs.

The ascent was all but impossible; Coryphaeus had to wind himself in the vines so thoroughly, he nearly became too tangled to climb. At one point, he lost feeling in his right arm, and slid back down, undoing several meters of progress. Pressing his cheek to the stones, he whispered quietly to himself, a prayer for strength — not for himself, but instead — “Nam propter Jules,” he whispered. “Nam propter Jules,” he said, and began to haul himself up. Fresh blood welled from his ribs; tears rolled down his cheeks. Coryphaeus had once been willing to sacrifice Jules to live, but now was willing to die that he might keep at least one shred of a promise to her. “Nam propter Jules.” Get them out alive. “Nam propter Jules.” Save them. He knew he was in part, a monster — but he wanted to be better. “Nam. Propter. Jules.” He needed to be.

He could not save the fallen man. He could not save the black-skinned woman who lay meters below him, the wide yawn of her throat open to the night, her belly bloody, her eyes vacant. He could not save any of the other killed crewmembers who lay broken and unmoving, back in the forest.

He could not save the young woman whose neck had been snapped by Immanis, right in front of them. He could not save the nearly one hundred soldiers who killed themselves while Jules was made to watch.

He could help save only these two, and he prayed that somehow it might be enough to ease both their ragged hearts.

When they reached the top, Coryphaeus laid his cheek to the stone again, sobbing, briefly; he was not certain he had the strength to haul both himself and the boy over the top. Rain poured over him, poured over Kieron, and he took long, ragged, gasping breaths to come back to himself, before he finally pulled himself up, and then began to let himself over.

The people watching, still watching in cafes, in their homes, at public and private telescreens, saw the four survivors disappear over the wall.

Within the city, the riots began.

Garrett managed to climb down; the rain washed the blood from his face — he stood on solid ground that was still forested, leading north, and looked up to watch Coryphaeus continue his way down. “Come on, then,” he shouted. “Get moving!”

Cory had stopped, and was holding Kieron, clinging to the vines, still more than five meters from the ground. He felt the world graying out, and he struggled to maintain his hold on the wall, but his injuries and exhaustion were too much. The feeling left his limbs again, and blackness swallowed him whole.

Garrett was laying Sha down, mindful of her head — he could see she’d taken a blow to the back of it that would have to be tended to — when he heard the crashing sound of Coryphaeus tumbling from the wall, still holding Kieron.

Garrett was shocked then, when he saw Coryphaeus get up and haul Kieron right back into his arms–the boy was still passed out, but seemed none the worse for wear for his fall–Coryphaeus marched past Garrett, then, still muttering to himself, “Nam propter Jules.

* * *

NEXT

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You Said It First

Today
you said it first.

Unprompted.

I feel giddy,
like the time
I held the back of the chair
and let him drop
two-inch stripes over my back
again
and again
and again.

I know you think
it should be him,
but it’s you.
And it wasn’t who
we thought it was,
it was him.

And all the pronouns
in the world
can’t obscure
how you fit me.
How we match.
How you have been
the best thing for me.

I will be imagining
your brown eyes
and your perfect smile
long after you have realized

I am worthless to you,

and I will hold to this one day
as proof that at least for one moment,

I was beautiful and beloved.

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DeathWatch No. 158 – Perhaps The Two Of Us

This is Issue #158 of DeathWatch, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find ‘DeathWatch’ then go to ‘#0 – A Beginning’ and read from there, or go find the issue # you remember, and catch up from there!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

“No,” Jules said, staring at another screen, at the void where Nathan had been only a moment before. “No, you… no you can’t.” Her knees gave, and she staggered, clawing at the screen, exhaling long and low, feeling her eyes burn as she went under the surface of the well wherein she had been keeping all her despair. “Nathan,” she whispered, “Nathan, come back,” and then crammed a fist against her teeth, curling down small, hiccuping against the panic that threatened to climb up her throat.

There had always been hope. There had always been a promise that he would come back. That she would. That they would be together.

And now?

Now that hope had disappeared into the mists covering the inland sea. If the fall alone had not killed him, the sea would dash him back upon the rocks.

She remembered the feel of his cheek on hers. The last moment they were together, when he held her, there at the wedding feast, when she slipped, when it had gone from terrible to even worse. She remembered the scent of him, leather and sweat, and her heart shuddered in her chest, aching as though it had been struck.

It was Secta who spoke next, turning to look over at Gemma and Lucida, who could only stare, dumbstruck with horror. He looked ashen and sick as he reached for Acer and hissed, “Protect the Princess and her handmaid with your life. Get them to her chambers. Lock down the palace. Now.” He stared at one of the screens, his hand touching the glass where Jet lay, still broken, rain spreading steaming red through the mud. It had all happened so fast.

Acer ordered the guards in a rousing shout, dividing them — the bulk for the Princess, the rest for the courtiers.

Guards moved, and quickly; Gemma and Lucida were swept up and separated from the throngs, surrounded by a cadre of heavily armed guards who took them from the Prince’s study in a flurry of near-panicked motion. Acer followed along, hand on the hilt of his sword. He cursed the aetheris he’d drunk, and wished for a clearer head.

The courtiers, those who had come to watch the Hunt, were escorted to their own wings, pulled from the Prince’s rooms, hurried along, out of the way, left to wonder… what would happen, now?

All through the city, the darker, hungrier, greedier parts of humanity seethed — the very creature that had ground them down into the dust was little more than dust, himself. Acer Plaga’s less loyal soldiers sent missives scurrying back to the homeland — his father would soon hear of what happened to Ilona’s Prince, and its Guardian.

* * *

“Time to go, little Krieg,” Secta said quietly, reaching down with an offered hand.

Jules shrank back from it, flinching. She stared at it, then, and then her eyes flicked up to his face, and then to the doors on either sides of the study. She slowly moved to stand up, backing away from Secta, almost baring her teeth. “No,” she said. “No, I won’t go with you. Not back to her. Not to any of them. You’ll have to kill me.”

Secta stilled his hand, knowing the look of a cornered animal when he saw one. “I’m not your enemy,” he said softly.

“Aren’t you?” Jules said, looking terrified, her eyes wide, her cheeks pale. “You served a man who hunted my little bird like a wild beast,” she said, gritting her teeth. “You kneel to a monster.”

“Perhaps, then, we have more in common than you might imagine,” Secta said quietly. He moved his hand closer to her, palm up. “I had family living in the Viridian valley,” he said, without rancor. “Cousins. The littlest would have been six.” He looked back toward the screens.

“That wasn’t me,” Jules said fiercely, baring her teeth, but her fury was salted by tears.

“And this,” Secta said, gesturing toward the screens. “You think this is me? Please, little Krieg, I am nothing here. I control no one. I listen to whispers, and I fetch and carry, and the one I lov–” His voice broke, and he looked away from her, wincing, pained.

“It was my ship,” Jules said. “He was the Captain, but everyone knew it was my ship. I trusted him,” she said, looking anguished. “I trusted that man with my life. I never would have imagined he would have something like that inside him. He told me what he wanted to do, and I could have shot him there. I could have ordered my airmen to mutiny. I could have stopped him,” she said, her voice small, looking up at him, pained. “I should have stopped him,” she whispered.

He nodded to her, reaching out, gently putting one hand on her shoulder, fingers warm and deftly avoiding the wounds on her back.

“But I was angry. He told me about his sons, Valentin and Anatoly. He told me what those butchers did, sending back their ha–” she said, her voice cracking. “Sending back their hands,” she sobbed. “Skrimsli,” she hissed, growing in fury, her fists clenching as she looked up at Secta.

“No decent man would dare,” Secta said softly. “No honorable soldier would do such a thing,” he whispered. “Those men, whatever men did that to your fellow soldiers, little Krieg — those were monsters,” he said, folding her so carefully into his arms. “But my country is made of good people, too.”

Jules looked over Secta’s shoulder, up at the screens, where she watched Coryphaeus pull himself free from the earth, a trembling, awful cry escaping him as he heaved the blade free from the mud, muscles bunching beneath bruised, broken skin. He rolled weakly to the side and sobbed exhaustedly, staring toward the cliff without getting up. “It is,” she admitted. “It is, the same as mine,” she whispered. “But we don’t stay good if we let the monsters have their way.”

“True enough,” Secta whispered. “And so I will set you free, little Krieg, and perhaps the two of us will not become monsters.”

* * *

NEXT

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Practicing Magic

You’re not good
at exorcising your demons
So often you pick them up
and hold them up
to the light,
shake them around,
let them even
shine a little,
inspect them
for rough edges,
for torn bits.
Here’s your mistake:
You don’t make them leave.
You let them
take up residence.
You give them
a taste of power
and you back up.

There is a vileness
in you.
There is a brokenness
you’ve let
fester.
There is a black heart
to you
that you cannot undo,
and it will drown
the faces of anyone
who gets too close.

You have learned by now
that all you do
is ruin.

Why do you insist
on dragging others down
with you?

Why can’t you just
let go,
and let the world
get along
without you,
before you
make it all worse?

Maybe you should
let your demons
exorcise you.

Posted in On Depression, Poetry | Tagged , , , , , , , | 1 Comment

Play On

Oh you,
you’ll be bad for business, you.
You’ll be the death of me,
the death of all I know and love.
Your eyes are just like his.
Just like I wanted mine to be.
It’s too late in the game to change these stripes,
too late in life,
too late for me.

Play on, blue-eyed boy,
play on and leave me be.
Play on, gold-haired son,
play on and forget me.

Ah you,
you’ll be bad for business, you.
You’ll be the death of me,
the death of all I know and love.
Your smile is just like his.
Just like I wanted mine to be.
It’s too late to do more than fantasize;
it’s too late to be
anything but me.

Play on, blue-eyed boy,
play on and leave me be.
Play on, sweet-lipped liar,
play on and forget me.

You with your pennywhistle voice and your bowstring tongue,
you with your birdsong eyes, and your bodhran heart.

They all think they know your name;
they all think they can curl their fist around you —
you’re a long ways off from settling yet,
and maybe I’ll take the next chance that I get,
and maybe I’ll run aways after you,
caught in your ship’s draft until I can pass you by —
this late in life,
maybe not too late for me.

Play on, blue-eyed boy,
play on; don’t forget me.
Play on, devil-eyed angel,
play on; and wait for me.

Posted in Love Poems, Poetry, Songwriting | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment