A Story About Fishes, Part Something

It was later, when she was older, but not old enough, that Tiri woke with a start one morning, saying aloud, “He never told me!”

Hekka whuffed lowly, then yawned and stretched where she lay on the rug, then got up, turned a circle thrice, and laid back down, brush of a over her wet black nose.

Muttering irritably, Tiri stomped all the way through her day, grousing at her brother, who for once did not particularly deserve it, She stomped to the table at mealtimes and angrily ate, though she turned her nose up at buttered toast. For lunch she would not take any egg buns, only cheese and pickle.

And she visited the river, but instead of throwing crumbs, she threw angry words, and the silver fish swam off upstream until she could not see his glittering scales.

At dinner time, she ate only gravy and no biscuits, declaring somewhat snappishly that “I hate bread. All things bread. I never want it again.”

When it was near dusk, and she had had quite enough of her own attitude, she stomped off to bed, grumbling all the while, until her mother came to blow out her lamp. “No bread to-morrow,” her mother soothed. “Though I don’t suppose you wish to tell me what fouled your mood so?”

“A friend of mine kept secrets from me,” Tiri said, bunching her blankets in her fist. “On purpose. I’m cross with him.”

“Mm,” said Tiri’s mother, nodding. She’d been a child once, herself, and knew quite well the fits of passion that all growing children felt against the injustices visited upon them. “Sounds quite terrible.”

“It is!” Tiri griped. “He was quite unreasonable.”

“Certainly! One should never keep secrets from someone they trust,” Tiri’s mother said mildly, smoothing the coverlet.

“Never!” Tiri agreed. “I told him everything!”

“Oh!” Tiri’s mother exclaimed. “Everything?”

Everything,” Tiri confirmed, her eyes wide and solemn.

“That’s quite impressive,” Tiri’s mother said, thoughtful. “You told him about breaking grandmother’s favorite glass dish and blaming it on Hekka?” Tiri’s cheeks grew red, and she opened her mouth to answer, but her mother kept talking. “And where you keep your sweets money hidden from thieves?” Tiri’s eyes grew wider, and a furrow formed between her brows. “I suppose, if you tell him everything, you even told him where I keep my mother’s brooch? The one I told you was very very special and we must keep it safe so you can have it when you are grown?”

Tiri cleared her throat and wrung her hands, sadly, saying, “I did not.”

“No? But you said you tell him everything,” Tiri’s mother said, looking not quite as surprised as her words might have indicated.

Tiri said nothing aloud, but her expression, of course, was quite telling.

“Well,” her mother murmured, reaching to pet Tiri’s hair back from her face, as soothing as only mothers can be. “Of course you had good reasons not to tell everything, I’m sure. And it’s only that your friend kept all his secrets for no good reason, hm?”

Tiri’s was silent for quite some time, and when she did finally speak, her voice was very small, but very genuine. “Mama. Will you please wake me early to-morrow? I want to help bake the bread. I need an extra loaf.”

“Of course, my heart,” Tiri’s mother said, her eyes twinkling as she leaned down to kiss her child’s forehead. “Of course. Now sleep well, and I will see you in the morning.”

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In A Fit of Pique

I did it
just to get it out
just to boil it off
just to make it so
I wouldn’t have to think
It’s a little bit like
when the seeds pop open
and the whitegreen things
reach for the up
and the brownwhite things
reach for the down
I remember
all the time
about the things I did
I remember
all the time
about how I’m still waiting
to hear back
from you
I remember
all the time
about the bottlecaps and butterflies and the songs and candles and gravestones and plagueships and medallions and decades that have gone by, years and years and dreams and whispers
and the only true thing
of all the true things
is that nothing stays
nothing stays

no thing stays at all

Which is, objectively, a horrible wonderful thing.
A wonderful horrible thing.

No good thing stays
but no bad thing either
so perhaps that is enough,
to know that it happened and the transience
is a part of it,
neither good nor bad,
just true.

I am all the things, linear and
otherwise,
and you’re just a dream of mine
but I would love
–more than anything–
to go back
to sleep.

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The Fight (for Lewin)

She has
bitten-down nails,
ragged tothequick.
She has
feral teeth,
gapped and sharp.
She has
calves like bricks,
thighs like leopard seals,
smooth and rippling
with liquid muscle.
She is
beautiful and terrifying.
She is
hungry for it.

I’m
older,
wiser,
but perhaps a little weaker,
a little saner.
I’m
older,
wiser,
and my teeth are duller,
but my nails are longer,
and my reckless abandon
is replaced
by a brutal
self-
destructive
impulse.

She will fight
because she believes
she cannot die.

I will win,
because
I don’t care if I do.

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Examining

White noise static
in the background,
the talking, the talking — they talk.
They keep at it, and I am
listening but not
listening, because
I don’t have it

in me.

I think about it — what I have

in me.

I look through it, rummage and
shuffle, whistling down
into the cold dark of
it
a yawning cave, stone and wet and moss,
echoing,
only echoing
back.

Dirt under my fingers
dirt under my tongue
fire
under my skin
what of me
would survive a chrysalis?
what of me
would live
to see the new miracle?
Will my wings
rob me of my mouth?
Will my flight
rob me of the earth?
What world will I
leave behind
when I
become?
We speak of all we discover
but are told to whisper
(if at all)
of what we shed
as though the cast-off skin
that served us once
can never be touched again,
lest the miracle of remaking be
tarnished and tainted
by the memory of what made it.
The knowing burns
and drives me back;

I am the demon I guard myself against.

I surface mid-morning,
tasting stale coffee

and missed chances.

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Love’s Lorica

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of Love, 
Through a belief in Love, 
Through confession of love 
Of the love of Love.

I arise today 
Through the strength of Love, 
Through the strength of Love, 
Through the strength of Love, 
Through the strength of Love.

I arise today
Through the strength of the love of Love, 
In obedience of Love, 
In service of Love, 
In the hope of Love, 
In the prayers of Love, 
In preachings of Love, 
In faiths of Love, 
In innocence of Love, 
In deeds of righteous Love.

I arise today
Through the strength of Love; 
Light of the sun, 
Splendor of fire, 
Speed of lightning, 
Depth of the sea, 
Firmness of the earth.

I arise today
Through Love’s strength to pilot me; 
Love’s might to uphold me, 
Love’s wisdom to guide me, 
Love’s eye to look before me, 
Love’s ear to hear me, 
Love’s word to speak for me, 
Love’s hand to guard me, 
Love’s way to lie before me, 
Love’s shield to protect me, 
Love’s hosts to save me 
From the snares of hate, 
From temptations of vices, 
From every one who desires me ill, 
Afar and anear, 
Alone or in a multitude.  

I summon today all these powers between me and despair, 
Against every cruel merciless power that opposes me, 
Against incantations of cruelty, 
Against black laws of heretics, 
Against false laws of politics, 
Against craft of dramatics, 
Against spells of meanness and selfishness and hopelessness, 
Against every knowledge that corrupts me. 
Love shield me today 
Against heartache, against self-doubt, 
Against anxiety, against isolation, 
So that you may come to me in abundance.

Love with me, Love before me, Love behind me, 
Love in me, Love beneath me, Love above me, 
Love on my right, Love on my left, 
Love when I lie down, Love when I stand, 
Love in the heart of every one who thinks of me, 
Love in the mouth of every one who speaks of me, 
Love in the eye that sees me, 
Love in the ear that hears me.

I arise today
Through a mighty strength, the invocation of Love, 
Through a belief in Love, 
Through a confession of love
Of the love of Love.

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