At Times

At times,

the ferocity of love
she still feels
astounds her.
The way sunlight
can touch a familiar face,
the faint curve
of a shy smile.

At times,

the upwelling of adoration
can eclipse the emptiness,
and give way
to a hope so fragile,
so tenuous,
that to believe in it
is the ultimate act
in self-betrayal.

Posted in Love Poems, On Depression, Poetry | Leave a comment

DeathWatch II No. 34 – I Would Sooner Die

This is Issue #34 of DeathWatch, Book II: tentatively called Heart Of Ilona, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find DeathWatch, the first in the series, or start from the beginning of Book II!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

Down the hall, Gemma wailed, obviously understanding the truth of her situation, while Jet paced, and Lucida dressed herself, and did her own hair, pinning up her curls, putting jewels about her throat, painting her face.

“We should speak with her,” Jet said. “Figure out why–”

“Let her sit,” Lucida said, pursing her lips. “You and I must speak at length. We must — where is your Secta? Is he well?” She looked worried for him, turning away from the mirror and reaching to take Jet’s hand.

Jet, for his part, blushed, and had the grace to look abashed as he said, “I sent him on an errand, but I hope he has the good sense to not be transparent about it, as I was hastier, earlier, than I had sense to be.”

“Speak plainly, caro.” Lucida crossed her arms, looking suspicious.

“I want to promise her to Acer. He wants her, and I want her gone,” Jet said bluntly.

To her credit, Lucida did not flinch, but instead closed her eyes and breathed in, long and slow, sighing quietly. “Gemma has been at my side for over twenty years, caro. She has held my heart for nearly as long. As angry as I am. As hurt as I am? I do not know how to punish her without punishing myself.”

Jet nodded, saying “I do not want you hurt worse in all of this, it–”

A knock came, at the door, and Secta looked in, saying, “Forgive me, please, for the interruption, but I have sent for Plaga, Master. My Queen, my Guardian, is there anything else I may do for you?”

“Come here,” Lucida ordered, pointing at her feet.

Secta came in immediately, looking wide-eyed and worried. He complied without complaint, and knelt at Lucida’s feet, keeping his head bowed. “Yes, majesty?” he whispered. “How may I serve you?”

In the space of a heartbeat, Lucida had curled herself around Secta, and was pressing a knife to his throat.

Stunned, Jet saw the blood welling at Secta’s flesh, where the black glass bit in, but before he could react, Secta calmly lifted a hand to stay him.

The servant swallowed against the blade, and a thin runnel of blood ran down his neck, over his collarbone, and began to soak into the white of his robes.

“Why should I believe you?” Lucida hissed. “What if you drugged all of us, and made Gemma behave in that way? What if it was someone else entirely and we acted on the thought that it was Gemma who betrayed us?”

“Lucy,” Jet said, his hands clenched, his jaw clenched, his whole body tense as he watched her.

“I would rather die than have you believe I have betrayed you,” Secta said, his voice low, and grave. “If you do not trust me, my Queen,” he whispered, reaching to touch her wrist, and slide his fingers around it, “Strike true.” He did not use his touch to stay her hand, or try to stop her, but instead, he leaned in against the blade, and let it begin to cut his flesh, to slice into him, the blood flowing more quickly.

Lucida held Secta tightly, but it wasn’t necessary; he didn’t even try to escape. “I do not want to trust you,” she whispered. “I want Gemma to not have betrayed me.”

“I will give you my life, my Queen,” Secta said, closing his eyes. “Because I cannot give you that.”

Furious, Lucida flung the knife to the floor, near Secta, and looked at the wound she’d caused. Her dark eyes held to Secta, angry and proud, haunted and miserable. “Listen well to me, famulo. If you should ever betray our Guardian–”

“I would sooner die,” Secta said softly. “If you think I shall ever betray him. Or you, my Queen, I ask you to spare me, spare us all, that indignity, that misery, and end me now. I could not bear it, knowing that such a breaking of promises was bound to happen,” he said, retrieving the knife and handing it right back to her.

Her hand trembled as she watched him press the point of it to his chest, twisting it so that it would pass between the ribs and pierce his heart.

“I will die, I would rather die, I must die, my Queen, than betray him, or betray you,” Secta begged.

Lucida’s eyes narrowed, and she said, “And if this is only a trick? A ploy? Your blood is fire now, too, is it not? What does killing you do, if you will breathe again, hmm?”

“You do not know what it is to die,” Secta said quietly, his eyes flicking to Jet. Something in the dark of his gaze shifted, smoldered quietly, embers only banked and far from cold. He looked back to Lucida, solemn. “You do not know, Majesty, and may you never, or you would not say such a thing. But I say to you, my Queen, kill me. And kill me again, as I breathe again. And again. And again,” he whispered. “Kill me, and know that I am ever your servant, as I am his. I will rise from the floor and kneel at your feet each time.”

Lucida stared Secta down, her heart in her throat, broken and raging. She finally returned the knife to where laid strapped against her skin, and looked to Jet, saying, “May he never do as she has done, caro. May he love you more than that.” She rose, and moved to leave the room in a whorl of skirts and gems.

Meabella, Lucida, please,” Jet called, reaching her, laying a hand to her shoulder as she put her hand to the doorknob. “You should not speak to her alone. Your body may be safe in her presence, but–”

“–but my heart will never be,” Lucida said, shaking her head, tears in her eyes. “Please, Jet. Please let me go. I do not wish to speak to her alone. I do not wish to speak to her again, at all. Ever. You may do with her as you please, but I do not wish to look upon her face, or be near her, ever again.”

* * *

NEXT

Posted in Deathwatch, Fiction, Serial | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

100 Words: Lights Out

“Now,” she said, grinning, moving towards her prey, reaching for him with her actual fists. “I don’t got fucking time to be delicate, so I’ma ask you some questions, n’I’m only gonna ask once. Get me?”

The faintly gurgled response sounded like a yes.

“Who’s yer boss?”

“Me,” came a smooth voice from behind her.

She loosed her hold, whirling around in the blackness to face the other direction. “Listen, asshole. Can we just turn on the fucking lights?”

“Ah, Ms. Jones, but they are,” was the answer.

Dread poured icewater down her spine.

“They have been, the whole while.”

Posted in Fiction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

DeathWatch II No. 33 – How Could She?

This is Issue #33 of DeathWatch, Book II: tentatively called Heart Of Ilona, an ongoing Serial. Click that link to go find DeathWatch, the first in the series, or start from the beginning of Book II!

Happy Reading!

PREVIOUS

* * *

The amount of drink Jet had been given was far more than what Lucida had taken, but all the same, her body did not purge it, as his had; she was out like a light, somewhere between dreaming and awake, her body limp and still. Instead of moving her, he detangled the still-drunk, still-high handmaidens who had been coerced by Gemma to do her bidding. He sent them on their way, gently; he didn’t know how many of them had behaved this way out of love or fear or simple stupidity, but he would punish Gemma for now, and worry about the rest for later.

When he got to Gemma, laid against the bed, he was careful with her, as well. He lifted her up and took her to her chamber down the hall. On the way, he spoke to one of the guards, saying, “She isn’t to leave her room. Not for any reason. If you let her, I will end your life without question. Do not harm her, but do not let her leave.”

The man nodded firmly, and gave orders to his men, who immediately moved to post guards both inside and outside her room, at all windows and doors. They had no idea why the Guardian would give such a command, but neither did they care. They obeyed with love and honor.

When Jet returned to Lucida, she was still sprawled on the bed, the sheet stuck to her, her hair in disarray. He swallowed back the hate he felt for Gemma, and went to draw his wife a bath.

As he laid her in the tub, and began to carefully wash the sweat and oil from her, he wept.

It was to this strange circumstance that Lucida woke fully, groggy and confused. “Caro?” At first, she half-smiled at him, though her brows knitted as she looked him over. What he was doing felt pleasant enough — she did love a hot bath — but he was obviously upset. She rubbed her eyes and pulled back, pulling her knees up to her chest. “Jet, what has happened?” She reached out to touch his hand, and her expression was somewhere between frightened and concerned.

“Gemma drugged us, Lucida,” Jet said quietly, looking to her, pained.

“What?”

“We were drugged, and coerced into bedding one another. It was Gemma who did it. This… This is not the first time, I think,” he said. Though his voice was low, and golden eyes glanced away, the words came out in a tumbled rush, spilling over one another, in an effort to escape.

Caro, you must not say such things,” Lucida said, moving to get up, to get out of the water. “It is not funny,” she hissed, staggering, still not quite herself as she nearly fell out of the tub. Tears came to her eyes as she pointed an angry finger at him. “I do not mock you for Secta. I did not rage when it was clear you had been hiding your love with my brother,” she said, breathless with fury. “You must stop this unreasona–”

“I woke up in this bed with you,” Jet said, closing his eyes against the memory. “Still …inside you, meabella. Gemma and a half dozen of your handmaids were with us. I sent them out. I put Gemma in her room, under guard. The guards could tell you who left, but not why. No one knows but myself and Secta.”

“Secta?” Lucida hissed, looking betrayed further.

“He saved us. He found out. He tried to stop it, but Gemma tried to silence him. It was only–” Jet’s voice caught, and he shook his head.

“What? What is it?” Lucida wondered, her eyes narrowed as she stared at Jet. “You will tell me the whole thing and spare me the worry for my poor reaction, yes?”

“The blood, Lucida. His novo. What I did to him — it changed him like Immanis did, to me. Gemma had one of the maids strike Secta down. She killed him.”

Lucida stared at Jet in absolute disbelief.

“He returned, as I return,” Jet said softly. “He couldn’t stop it — he was slain before it began, and only woke after. But then he came and found us, and he woke me, just a short time ago. I crawled out, and he explained to me what happened. The drink you’d given to me, from Gemma. It isn’t something to help us sleep. It was something to make us do what she wanted,” he explained.

“She’s been wanting you to get me with your child for some time now,” Lucida said after a moment, her expression gone blank. Her eyes flicked back up to Jet, and she swallowed as though she might be gagging. “Did she really do this, my Black Stone? Was it… Was it really my Gemma?”

“I’m so sorry, Lucy,” Jet whispered, sitting back, looking at her, apologetic, hopeless.

Lucida put her hands over her mouth and bowed her head. The mass of her dark curls spilled over her shoulders, covering her face, obscuring her, their ends dipping in to the warm water in which she sat, small and miserable. Her shoulders began to shake, and finally, the tears came, great sobs — but only for a moment. She bit them back and moved to stand up, wiping her eyes and struggling to keep herself calm.

Jet sat there for a moment, his eyes wide, his heart beating painfully in his chest. He offered out his arms tentatively, and when she laid herself against him, he held her tightly, cradling her against his body, letting her return to sobbing.

“How could she?” Lucida wondered bitterly. “How could she?” In his arms, his wife, Lucida Venator, Sister to Immanis, Daughter of A Thousand Suns, Queen Venator, wept for some time — until she suddenly stopped, freezing.

Jet pulled back, carefully, watching her with his golden eyes. “What is it, Lucibella?”

“Let me speak to her.” Lucida’s expression held a mixture of white-hot rage and agony.

“Lucida, I’m not certain–”

“Let me speak to her, now, caro, or I will flay you as you will wish my brother had, when I am done with you. In this, do not defy me. Do not,” Lucida panted, clenching her fists.

“I am your loyal servant, Lucy,” Jet whispered, cupping her face in his hands. “It is only that I do not wish you to be alone with her — if she was willing to do such a thing, and claim love of you, of us both, how much more terrible might she be? I wish for your safety, not to defy you. Please, my love,” he said quietly, leaning to kiss her lips. “Please. Let us think together on how best to handle this.”

Furious, frustrated, Lucida looked up at Jet, her eyes still shining with tears; when she opened her mouth to argue, a wailing sound came from down the hall, and gave them both pause.

Gemma had awakened, and knew she had been discovered.

* * *

NEXT

Posted in Deathwatch, Fiction, Serial | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment

Hide and Seek

She woke in chains, only knowing so because of their rattle and weight. The room was night, oilblack and just as thick; the heaviness of the damp and the irons made everything just that much more suffocating.

And her head hurt like a motherfucking trainwreck.

“Who even uses chains?” she snorted, rolling her eyes. It only made her feel seasick to have displayed the sarcasm; the headache was like nothing she’d ever known. She felt a little stupid, as the eye rolling was only for herself, or for anyone she imagined watching her with nightvision.

Then again, in her more paranoid moments, she imagined everyone who came after them was using nightvision or infrared or something else equally game-changing.

“Seriously,” she said, rattling the links, and then began to examine them with her fingers, looking all over for defects, for locks, for hinges, for charges or wires or anything else that might — as he had so delicately put it one afternoon — “blow her to fucking bloody bits” and when she found none, she simply used the monster behind her eyes to tear the metal open at her wrists. When the cuffs themselves split, she felt that same splitting, in some deep, vital part of her, and she knew the wet warmth she felt on her face was blood.

“Well,” she sighed. “That’s unfortunate.”

That’s when she heard the faint gasp, and realized she wasn’t alone.

“Awright, fuckers,” she growled, turning and reaching out, invisible fingers splaying, seeking. “Marco.”

“Marco.”

Seeking–

“Marco?”

–seeking–

“Marrrr-coooo.”

finding.

She tightened that unseen fist, until she heard a man’s voice make an unmistakable sound of choked pain.

Her voice was a low, chuffing laugh. “Polo, bitch.”

Posted in Fiction | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments