Catastrophe Jones

wine and song
fire and furs
warmth and love —

–a fleeting glimpse of a life that was never mine
rich with sustenance
replete with nourishment

who could want that, anyway?
much rather would I starve
than sit at the same banquet with those I loathe

much rather would I bleed to empty
than fatten myself with traitors
than cozen with a lie

He used to wonder
if he would find someone
who would wade the river of his soul
grow tan in the sun of his love
allow him to want,
recklessly and desperately,
completely
let him take hold
with a desire so fierce
it left an ache with every heartbeat,
every pulse
He used to wonder
if he would find someone
who would follow him anywhere
everywhere
even places they should not
could not go
might they forge a path
together
wanting what he wanted somehow
letting it be wanting what they wanted

what they both wanted

without it being
sacrifice

He used to wonder
if anyone would hear him
as he heard himself
He used to wonder
if the rising need was sweet to anyone else,
or if they loped along their dogpaths,
grass in their toes,
mud in their mouths,
content for achievement,
for purchase,
for valor

He remembers as a younger man,
hearing others mock someone else
for laying in bed with their lover
for hours,
brushing her hair,
marveling
that the universe had made something that was precious

He used to wonder
if he might have that,
that marvel,
that sweetness,
that

light

He wonders,
still

thing
that grew shortly within me, parasite, unwanted
that had no face, no limb, no heartbeat
that would have breathed first
on a day to remember, remember
that might’ve been something beautiful
potential crushed
without regret
does not mean without thought
without regret
does not mean without wonder
without regret
does not mean without abundant curiosity
all it means is
without regret