To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

it sticks in my mouth
like caramels,
like popcorn kernels,
like white bread.
I can’t swallow it down right,
can’t clear it,
can’t cough it up,
but I know it isn’t
the right word.
I get stuck hearing it
like church bells.

it isn’t
what you think it is —
this is never what you think it is.
I’m never really going to
take off these shackles,
the ones that chain my tits,
my cunt,
my hips
and lips
and ass.

you think I’m talking about my
voice but I’m talking about all the
choices you have
that I don’t.
I am more myself
than I have ever been,
in realizing I don’t have to pick
between one
and another.
I can have
both. I can be
both. I am
both. I have always been

all these new beginnings
leave the taste
of fresh paint behind them,
and clean carpets,
and a reminder of cold pizza
and warm beer,
chocolate cherry ice cream,
and clove cigarettes.
I am so much lighter, now,
so much fatter
and happier.
did you know
your affection terrified me?
That I didn’t know
how to accept it
for what it was?
That still,
I doubt you?
That those doubts are
probably not your fault,
will probably
never quite die.
It’s ok — I suppose it was
inevitable, that someone should actually
love me for me.

age comes with
a remarkable set of powers —
each wrinkle
and spot
and blemish
are a camouflage
against the predators
who only desire
young flesh.
when I think of you, sometimes I actually smile.
when you’re dead and gone,
which I truly hope
is before me,
I will only grieve the time I wasted
on you.
my voice is beautiful
in my own ears —
you won’t ever hear it.

god but I am beautiful
in my own eyes,

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About Catastrophe Jones

Wretched word-goblin with enough interests that they're not particularly awesome at any of them. Terrible self-esteem and yet prone to hilarious bouts of hubris. Full of the worst flavors of self-awareness. Owns far too many craft supplies. Will sing to you at the slightest provocation.
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3 Responses to To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before

  1. rienan says:

    This is powerful. And the Freedom’s are all sorta different and resonate with different thoughts or flavors in my mind. Love it!

  2. Trent Lewin says:

    I don’t know what change happened here or why… but you’re one of the most beautiful people I know and let me simply express my love for your words again. You, Jones, leave nothing on the table. Nothing.

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