I AM

I am the berry-red smear
over your lips and
between your legs.
I am the salt musk
behind your ear and
between your legs.

I am the defiance in her eyes.
I am the acceptance in his heart.

I am the fury.
I am the rapture.

I am you when you take
a fistful of your wife’s hair
and put your lips to her throat,
your hard cock between her legs.
I am your husband when you bend him
over the kitchen table
and fuck him from behind.

I am the ties that bind.
I am the blade that cleaves.

I am the disease
that takes your child.
I am the breath
that fills you for years
until you are long past wishing
for death.

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The last of her

She’s on the slab when I walk in; they’re finishing the last of her. I watch them put the tiny french knots at her lips to hold the dimpled smile in place.

I run my fingers through what is left of multicolored curls and braids, and lean down to kiss crepe paper lids and feather lashes. I close my eyes and breathe her in. She smells of Glenlivet, and of Djarum blacks.

I don’t tell her I’m sorry — I didn’t tell her I’m sorry — I can never tell her I’m sorry.

I can never tell her anything again.

“I’ll watch your stupid fucking cat,” I say. I don’t cry. I’m not crying.

I wipe my eyes, and walk back out.

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On the floor

The rattle of her lungs made her rethink about picking herself up off the floor; she laid there, with her left cheek pressed to the cement, blinking slowly, trying to focus on the boots of the man who stood over her. She kept being distracted by the slow motion of her own right hand opening and closing against the rough stone; she inhaled — her fingertips scraped the surface, and she blinked her eyes shut, long lashes sticky with blood. On the exhale, her hand opened again, and so did her eyes. She wondered, if her hand stopped moving, if her lungs would give out, as well.

The fuzzy outline of those boots walked out of her line of vision, but not far. She could hear their dull clack as the person wearing them paced behind her.

“Whut ah don’ unnerstan, Cat, ‘s’how a smart girl like you ended up doin’ somethin’ s’fuckin’ stupid,” he said, his Oklahoma drawl mutilating the words.

“Aw, honey,” she said, without any idea of how she found her voice, “I’m surprised you understood how to swallow breakfast ‘n put on pants this morning, much less understand the motivations of someone who can obviously pronounce more consonsants than you.”

She never saw his boot draw back; the last thing she saw was her hand open, and then close.

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Ashes

You will always
be with me now.
When I met you
and your copper eyes,
you were larger than life,
your yowl as sharp
as any siren’s song.
Once heavy enough
to rest warm
in my arms,
now you fit
in the palm
of my hand.

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Pitseleh

I’ve been without you for so long now, I’m starting to wonder if maybe all I did was dream you. Were you ever real? The scars I got while we were together — did they happen? Did you see me bleed, and then clean my wounds and dare to smile at me?

Today, for the thousandth time, I thought about dying. Not killing myself — there’s a certain amount of guts that takes that I just don’t have — but just dying. Going to sleep and never waking up. Getting hit by a bus. Getting shot. Dropping dead for no good reason.

I thought about it, and all I could feel was a sense of dull hope and relief.

Maybe you’re not real, and all of this is just a product of the stories I’ve told myself to escape a world in which I’ve just never fit.

I’m too afraid to find out, anymore.

If you were waiting to see if I’d break, I’d say you can stop waiting.

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