Answer

He woke up to the feel of the shackles on his wrists, and tested them quietly in the dark. The harsh clink of them immediately brought stillness on his part — he didn’t breathe for as long as he could help it, nearly trembling on the stone floor from the effort of remaining motionless.

After what could’ve been minutes or moments, he finally exhaled.

Trapped in his own head, devoid of sight, he had no idea how long he’d been isolated like this, and he stayed quite still in fear of pain or punishment.

The space he was in felt cool, damp — now and again, the little hairs on his arms stood on end. He was enclosed, under a low ceiling, in a small space.

Maybe.

He blinked, trying to figure out if things were pitch black because of the dark, or because he couldn’t see.

How long had he been here? How long had he been alone? How long would he be alone?

He had his answer to the third question when he heard a voice above him speak.

“Oh, good. You’re awake.”

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Sorry, not sorry

I’m not sorry about the toast.
I’m not sorry about the wedding.
I’m not sorry about the fake priest.
I’m not sorry about switching the donors.
I’m not sorry about Ramon.
I’m not sorry about Kevin.
I’m not sorry about Carl.
I’m not sorry about Butch.
I’m not sorry about Celissa, Marissa, Narcissa, Clarissa, or the rest of the elderly choir.
I’m not sorry about calling you Uncle.
I’m not sorry about calling Uncle you.
I’m not sorry about making you do it at the same time.
I’m not sorry about shooting you.
I’m not sorry about shooting you again.

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Was there a thought about

I must be wrong
let me take a poll
let me check the facts
let me understand
let me clear my throat
let me figure this out
let me understand
let me
let me

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And then everyone else came in

You’ll never get better
or figure it out later, they said.
I’m just so lonely, she said.
I just want to be
understood, she said.
He stares over my shoulder
and he is judging.
He is deciding
what I am worth.
I feel shame
and shame
and shame
and shame.
These are the faces I make
when I am trying to
give up my darkest secrets.
These are the faces I make
when I have checked out.
The urge I have had,
I don’t understand.
This cycle.
I’ll break it.
I’ll fucking show them, she said.

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What Have I Gotten Myself Into (This Time)

Blood pounding, spine tingling, heart racing, eye twitching,
don’t run don’t fight don’t panic don’t flee —
deep breath deep breath deep breath deep breath —
it’s only supposed to be fun, after all, don’t you see?

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